Yesterday I went to a yoga class for the first time in a long time. I used to religiously go to a yoga studio, but then I got into an awkward situation with my instructor and I stopped going. I missed the practice of yoga, so I went to yoga at several different gyms, but none had the spiritual and meditative impact of yoga at a yoga studio. A friend brought me the flyer for this new yoga studio in the first weeks after Grace died. So I called my friend and we tried this new studio. It was really emotional. I cried during the beginning when we were starting the pranayama. Then during all the meditative moments my mind went to Grace and I felt this deep sorrow. I could just feel her on my chest laying so still, and I wanted to breathe life into her again. My body went through the poses and I physically felt stronger than I had in a long time, but my emotional being was so, so sad. At the end during savasana I just had tears pouring down my face. I want to go back, my body felt better afterwards, but it was mentally difficult.
The rest of the day went by fairly gently. I visited my Grandmother, who is doing much better. I made dinner for Mark. Then in the evening I was so prickly and sensitive. I snapped at Mark while he was trying to book our summer vacation. I know that it is good to have a trip to look forward to, and we need to get away from our lives for a time, but all I could think about was how I wanted Grace to be on vacation with us. Mark wants to go back to Hawaii, not Kauai this time, but the Big Island. I have thought so much about taking Grace to Hawaii where she was conceived, watching her play in the warm water, eating giant shave ices with her, falling asleep listening to the ocean. I want her with us. The yoga, seeing my Grandmother, vacation planning it all just came crashing down and I was sobbing like I did in the first days. I can function better now, but I am still broken.
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| A few days pregnant eating shave ice |
I think sometimes when you do too many daily activities it catches up to you. I meant that is how it is for me sometimes if I haven't had enough time to just focus on Henry or if I feel like my husband and I are talking to much about the future I get so sad. I feel like we are moving on and I get scared about not being able to take Henry with us in to our future. So get the longing you are feeling, the desire to be with Grace to have her with you on your vacation.
ReplyDeleteI still can't go to yoga again. I just do it at home and I do not do very much of the meditative stuff because I find it too difficult right now. I prefer to do it for the exercise now.
Thinking of you