Thursday, November 22, 2012

Can't Sleep

My mind races.... thinking about cases at work, my Mother, Baby Bear, Grace, everything.  My mind has run a marathon while my poor body aches for more rest.  It is Thanksgiving now, I am grateful I don't have to work, but I am bitter about so many other things.  I am bitter that I have had more than 9 months as a bereaved parent.  I am bitter that my Mother cannot be a support in my life.  I am bitter that I still care so damn much about my job, even though it feels like an abusive relationship most of the time.  I am bitter that I can have such vivid nightmares about Baby Bear dying, because I know how that feels.  I just want to get away from everything, like at a yoga retreat.  Just spend like 2 weeks on nothing but me and Baby Bear.

I am thankful for many things, of course: first and foremost Mark, Grace and Baby Bear, my little family is the world to me.  Friends that have stood by me during this year of grief and pain.  My dog for hanging in there for me at almost 14 she is such a light in my life and I still need her, so keep hanging in there girl!  I am thankful that for  the first time in 7 years I am not hosting Thanksgiving, and am only cooking 2 side dishes.  I do not have to worry about guests or getting the food ready all at the same time, or my family showing up hours late.  This holiday season is going to be so hard.  I know I need to pace myself and not have any expectations, but it is hard.  I have been running on this hamster wheel of perfectionism for so long getting off is a dizzying and disorientating experience.

Monday, November 19, 2012


I am now almost halfway through week 11.  I am so tired, emotionally, physically, mentally.  We continue to try and bond with this baby and I think that is going well.  I sometimes think I can feel the baby move, which is silly this early on, but I love those moments.  I still have those moments I am so scared for this baby, scared that I will come home from the hospital again with empty arms.

The holidays are here and trying to deal with those is hard.  I am kinda ignoring Thanksgiving... I got an invitation to a friend's house and we just have to bring a couple of side dishes.  Christmas is more problematic since we will put up a tree and likely have some people over.  I decided to spend the money I would have spent on gifts for Grace to buy items for the Children's Hospital.  I made an order on Amazon and they should be here soon.  It was very bittersweet, wishing that those items could be for her and also knowing that they would make a really sick baby's day a tiny bit brighter.

So many conflicting emotions, maybe that is why I am so tired.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Worn Out

Sorry that I have been so quiet lately.  The Capture Your Grief project was really exhausting and trying to figure out how to make it through the holidays without Grace is weighing on me.  My grief has been really heavy lately, I miss her so much, the fact that this is my life without her just breaks me.  Then I feel so guilty for Baby Bear that he/she is coming into a world that is still so sad from losing Grace.  Then I get terrified that there is something wrong with Baby Bear, that they will die too.  Last night I started coughing and I was terrified I had a cold and that would kill or harm the baby.  This morning I feel better and I think it was just a little cough from allergies, but I was so freaked out.

Today I have a full day of trying to deal with my emotions and be a good pregnant lady.  Acupuncture, followed by yoga, then lunch then hypnotherapy.  Lordy I am tired just thinking about it!  It is all stuff I need though so I will take it one thing at a time and get through it all.

M has decided to leave his job at the end of the school year.  He is burnt out and is unsupported my the administration and in our stupid state the voters again failed to support public education so the truth is the situation in the classrooms is just going to get worse.  He is starting to look (i.e. think about) what else he could do or where else he could teach, likely part time to help supplement my income, but not be so stressed out.  The whole situation scares me, but I know it is what he needs to do to be happy.  I am jealous too, since this means he will get to spend a lot more time with the baby than I do, which kinda sucks.  I guess it is better than a nanny or a day care spending the time with them.

We have started some traditions for Bear that we did not do for Grace.  We light Guardian Angel votive candles for the baby every Sunday night one for each month of pregnancy.  M also reads to the baby at night.  The first book was one I had on my registry for Grace, but then just bought for Bear, Babar and the Art Museum.  After we are through with that one M wants to read Moby Dick, but I told him no way!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Capture Your Grief, Day 31: Sunset

I was hoping for a more spectacular sunset for this post, but since this is the first day I have gotten home in time to take a sunset picture this is what I got.  I have to say that it has been really hard to complete this project... it was good to think about Grace and "be" with her for a little every day, but also emotionally exhausting.  The pregnancy hormones are also messing with me pretty good lately.  I spent a good portion of the movie Frankenweenie crying and I am pretty sure that is an atypical response.  A good friend of mine is having a concert in Grace's honor tomorrow.  So any of you that live in the St Louis area, check out the Muscial GEMS (Grace Ellen Manno) concert at the University of Missouri, St Louis with Stella Markou performing.

Grace where ever you are, please know that Daddy and I love you so much, and miss you every single day.  The greatest tragedy of our lives is not being able to parent you and watch you grow they way we thought we would.  Love you baby!