Thursday, May 31, 2012

Deep Thoughts: It's all about the ride

Does anyone remember the SNL skit from the nineties called Deep Thoughts?  I am probably dating myself horribly by even mentioning this!  I was in junior high and the first few years of high school when it was on.  They would have this gentle music playing and a serene back ground and then a voice over with some idea that seemed profound at first and would reveal itself as ridiculous later.  I found most of them completely hilarious.

Now I have been having many deep thoughts lately.  About Grace.  About life.  About TTC.  They seem very profound, but I reserve the right to find them completely ridiculous in a few months, or moments.

Not getting pregnant this cycle really hurt.  I think that I was still under the idea that it would be easier to get pregnant now that I have had a child.  That my body would have "learned" how to be pregnant and all my fertility issues would stay in the past.  It dawned on me that I have spent the better part of the last 3 years thinking about my reproductive status.  I have been depressed and unhappy and always looking to the future to be healed, instead of healing myself.  Grace was the greatest adventure of my life, and I wish that she were still with me with every fiber of my being, but I need to see what were my motives for motherhood?  I wanted to experience life again through a child.  I wanted to heal the wounds and disappointments of my childhood, by giving my baby the "perfect" childhood.  I wanted a little piece of immortality, by having someone who would remember me when I am gone.

I may not have another child.  I hope for one and dream of one, but I may not have one.  How can I heal myself and fulfill the motivations for motherhood without one?  I have decided that I need to live life.  Grace did not get to have a life outside of my womb.  I need to make sure that I really LIVE to honor her loss.  I need to not place the burden of my happiness on a baby, but instead have joy independent of a child.

It is not about the destination, it's all about the journey, the ride.  It is all about the ride we call life and I am starting it now.  No more waiting.  No more excuses.  I am doing it for Grace, and I am doing it for me.

See Deep Thoughts.

Monday, May 28, 2012

A Crappy Start to the Day

My grief has for the most part leveled off.  I carry it with me all the time, but it does not crush me as often as it used to.  Our journey to conceive again is usually what sets me off and then of course I find that sadness is inextricably linked to Grace.  For those of you familiar with BBT charting the following will make sense.  I had a temp drop this morning, 0.4 degrees and I am either 8 dpo or 10 dpo.  It was a crappy start to my day.

I spent the first 20 minutes telling myself my temp was still above the coverline and therefore not indicative of impending menstruation.  Then a good 10 minutes wishing I had a medical professional to analyze my charts and magically tell me what I was doing wrong and why I was not pregnant.  Then I just started crying.  Why is it so hard for us to get pregnant?  I have so much hope for every cycle and then it just gets crushed at the end.  I feel like a loser. And I miss my baby girl SOOOOO much.  If she were here there would be no pressure to get pregnant again.  Yes, we would have liked a second child, but it would be a relaxed experience because we had our miracle.

We went to a Memorial day cookout yesterday at the house of some people from church.  They don't know about Grace, they just think we don't have children.  The kids at this church are older, teenagers and such, so at least I am not around toddlers and little babies, but still Grace should have been there.  She should have been in my arms, people should have been oohing and aahing over her sweet babyness.  She should be with us always, not just in spirit.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Cephalexin is really great stuff

I would just like to say that I feel so sorry for people who lived prior to the discovery of antibiotics.  That must have really sucked.  I decided this last night when peeing for the millionth time with a UTI.  I was actually contemplating if I could sleep on the toilet since I had to get up as soon as I laid down.  Now with just a few doses of Cephalexin in my system I am a new woman.  Bathroom no more.

Cephalexin my new best friend

TTC after baby loss seriously messes with your head.  You want a baby to have and hold so bad and yet you just want your lost baby back.  You feel like you are betraying your lost baby by trying again, and yet that is what you do.  And to do it you have to participate in the most intimate act two human beings can undertake.  So any humor that you can find in the whole process you need to grab onto with both hands.  My UTI is likely directly due to our recent efforts at baby making and for some reason I find that completely hilarious.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Lazy Sunday

Just having a lazy Sunday.  I need this lazy day.  This week has been brutal.  Busy at work, lots of emotional cases.  I euthanized a handicapped man's 14 year old dog, 8 days after I had euthanized his 15 year old dog.  My Office manager euthanized her 5 month old mini pot bellied pig due to multiple orthopedic issues.  I had two older women yelling at me that they don't want to feed the prescription diet I am recommending for their dog because it has gluten in it and they are gluten intolerant so he must be as well.

To add to the fun of this week there was drama with Grandma beyond what I could have thought possible.  First a Monday call from her physical therapist saying that she was covered in feces and using it to paint on the walls if her room and therefore unable to have her PT that day.  She is concerned that she is depressed since she is not participating in any of the Memory Care activities.  Rushed after yoga to meet the PT and sign some paperwork Tuesday.  She says that Grandma is great today and doesn't even need memory care, now wants a psych consult.  Has a psych consult Friday, psychologist says that Grandma won't benefit from medications since she cannot remember her inappropriate behavior.  Grandma then barricades her roommate in the bathroom and the staff come running once her roommate starts screaming for help.  Grandma then proceeds to bite, scratch and spit in the faces of the staff trying to rescue the roommate from the bathroom.  Then she is taken out of the room to calm down, she wants to show the head nurse something she is upset about in her room and then once they are in the hallway hits the nurse in the head with a book.  Now memory care is recommending a psychiatric hospitalization at a place that specializes in senior psychiatric issues.  Great, will Medicare pay for it?  Hmm we'll look into that for you.  Waiting game begins for possible temporary transfer to Senior Psych hospital.

So today I am not doing anything, no laundry, no house cleaning, nothing.  Just reading my blogs, watching TV and hanging out with the pets and my man.  Wish that Grace was here to be lazy with us.  Wish we were pregnant again already instead of still trying.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Signs from my little girl

So I have tried to not be a huge believer in signs, I tend to over interpret things and then become disappointed. Ever since Grace died I just let myself see things where I see them.  I found the minister for her memorial based on a sign: he presides at Grace United Methodist Church.  He was wonderful and we have even started to attend that church.  The hummingbird at her memorial was also a sign I wrote about in my last post.  Today I saw another sign from my baby.  I was waiting at the acupuncturist for my appointment and reading this old magazine in the lobby (even at the TCM doctor they have outdated magazines, the one universal truth!).  It was some magazine about life in the country.  There was a section with pretty photographs and quotes.  One had a little girl digging in the mud at the beach with this quote "Expect to have hope rekindled.  Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways.  The dry seasons in life do not last.  The spring rains will come again."  Okay Grace I hear you, and I hope that you can hear how much I love you too.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

i carry your heart

Well we made it.  Made it through three months without Grace.  Made it through her beautiful memorial service.  Made it out of the canyon of despair and now just walk this path of sorrow.  I miss her so much, but I see her in so many places and that gives me solace.

Her Memorial last night was lovely, so many people came, we were overwhelmed by the love they had for us and Grace... she gave us a community.  The minister that we chose was excellent, his words kind and thoughtful. The ceremony was held in our back yard at sunset.  As the Rev, spoke the opening words a Hummingbird darted in and out of the group.  I think that was Grace popping in to say hello and let me know that she was okay and approved of how we were honoring her.  We listened to Iz's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  We baptized our baby as a group.  There were two readings from the bible Psalm 139 and Samuel 12:15-23.  Rev Arnpriester spoke and then we all took communion.  We ended singing Hymm 2122 as a group (She Comes Sailing on the Wind).

She comes sailing on the wind, her wings flashing in the sun; on a journey just begun, she flies on.  And in the passage of her flight, her song rings out through the night, full of laughter, full of light, she flies on.

Silent waters rocking on the morning of our birth, like an empty cradle waiting to be filled.  And from the heart of God the Spirit moved upon the earth like a mother breathing life into her child.

Many were the dreamers whose eyes were given sight when the Spirit  filled with their dreams with life and form.  Deserts turned to gardens, broken hearts found new delight, and then down the ages still she flew.

She comes sailing on the wind, her wings flashing in the sun; on a journey just begun, she flies on.  And in the passage of her flight, her song rings out through the night, full of laughter, full of light, she flies on.

To a gentle girl in Galilee a gentle breeze she came, a whisper softly calling in the dark, the promise of a child of peace whose reign would never end, Mary sang the Spirit song within her heart.

Flying to the river, she waited circling high above the child now grown so full of grace.  As he rose up from the water, she swept down from the sky, and she carried him away in her embrace.

She comes sailing on the wind, her wings flashing in the sun; on a journey just begun, she flies on.  And in the passage of her flight, her song rings out through the night, full of laughter, full of light, she flies on.

Long after the deep darkness that fell upon the world, after dawn returned in flame of rising sun, the Spirit touched the earth again, again her wings unfurled, bringing life in wind and fire as she flew on.

She comes sailing on the wind, her wings flashing in the sun; on a journey just begun, she flies on.  And in the passage of her flight, her song rings out through the night, full of laughter, full of light, she flies on.

I made prayer cards for people to take with them.  The front has Grace's sand picture from Hawaii and her birth date on it, the back has the E. E, Cummings poem i carry your heart.  As you know I am not very religious, at least not to any one faith, but losing my baby has made me very spiritual.  I feel faith in a power greater than myself, but whether that is God or the Goddess or just the divine spirit people hold within themselves I don't know and honestly I don't care.  It is good and it feels good.  My prayers are not from any one text, they can be songs, meditations, drawings, poems, whatever moves me.

So I leave you on Mother's Day with my favorite poem, the one I placed on Grace's prayer card for people to meditate on and pray on.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)  

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) 

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

E.E. Cummings

Three Generations.  Happy Mother's Day

Friday, May 11, 2012

Three Months

Tomorrow will be 3 months since my beautiful baby was born still.  Three months since I held her and kissed her and felt her soft, soft skin and smelled her perfect baby smell.  It was yesterday and eons ago all at the same time.

I saw a baby girl at dinner tonight, she had just learned to walk, she was bouncing at her mother's side.  I could not take my eyes off of her.  My baby will never get to do those things.  I missed her so much at the moment I thought that my heart would break.

We have been planning Grace's memorial, it is tomorrow.  I am scared and nervous and also excited.  Excited that more people will get to know her and see how amazing she was and how much good she brought into this world.

This post is fractured and I cannot figure out how to make it whole.  I feel pretty fractured so I guess that is fitting.