Thursday, January 30, 2014

Complicated Grief

I have not taken the time to write about Grace in way too long.  I think of her daily, I talk about her all the time, but I don't honor her in this space as often as I should.  We are coming up on her second birthday and the longing for my first born is heavy.  I found my husband sobbing in his art studio in front of a little shrine he has made for her.  The missing her and wanting her never changes.  Maybe that is why I find it hard to write now.  I just want to write the same thing over and over again.  I have no new stories about her, no new pictures.  Just the same grief and loss and sadness.

We had a visit from my brother in law this last weekend.  He is not my favorite person, he has a volatile personality and I suspect that he is an alcoholic.  Rosabella and I were left alone with him Sunday afternoon (my DH and his Dad had Opera tickets).  I was dreading it, but he was as pleasant as he has ever been (although he drank so much vodka that midway through dinner he ran to the back yard to vomit).  I told him that I wished his Mom had gotten to meet Rosabella since she would have been tickled to have a Granddaughter.  However I was grateful that she died before Grace, since I think that Grace dying would have killed her.  He then made a off hand remark about how I was having complicated grief for Grace.  He is a psychiatrist (specializing in addiction medicine ironically) so I guess that he has some type of training in grief, but I was highly offended to say the least.  We never talk to him and I never mention Grace to him, but she is included in our Christmas letter and her name is on our Christmas cards, she is a member of our family.  I am not going to exclude my baby because it makes other people uncomfortable.  I am sorry that my grief is not gone, that I still think about my precious first born daughter and ache for her.  I worry that he will see a baby loss mom someday (50% of his patients are general psych) and he will screw with her head and make her think that there is something wrong with remembering her baby.  I worry that other MDs are saying similar things to their BLM patients.  I know that there is nothing wrong with me or my grief or my husband's grief.  I know that Grace's name will always be on our Christmas cards and there will always be a section of our Christmas letter dedicated to her.  She will always be our baby and we will always miss her.  It isn't that complicated.