Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

This last week has been a bitch.  Father's Day just about broke my heart all over again.  It was even worse than Mother's Day.  My husband has wanted a child for so long.  He turned 49 two days after Grace was born, and when I was pregnant I was so happy that I was able to give him a child before he turned 50.  Now there is no chance of that happening. 

Then my FIL was a complete asshat to Mark.  The FIL's birthday was Father's Day, he is back in CA for the summer, so we sent 2 cards and a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant in Paso Robles.  We tried multiple times Sunday to call him and wish him a happy b-day and Father's day.  His phone was shut off, we could not even leave a voice mail.  Then he calls Mark yesterday and yells at him that we did not fly out and see him.  Nothing about how hard Father's Day must have been for us.  Then he admitted that he called his cell carrier and had the phone set so we could not leave messages for him.  Mark hung up on him he was so mad.  I would spit on him if I was anywhere near him.  How DARE he hurt Mark this way!

There have been issues with my Grandmother, she may be asked to leave her nursing home at any time due to her aggressive Alzheimer's behaviors.  I am really frustrated since when I moved her to Memory Care I was told that they would be able to take care of her, now less than 2 months later she may have to leave.  It sucks.  I have been trying to generate a short list of other facilities to move her to, should that situation present itself.

Finally our TTC journey has been rocky lately.  After trying so hard to be zen about this process and roll with the punches and enjoy living life I had a complete mental breakdown last week.  I keep hoping that I will ovulate earlier in my cycle, since at present my luteal phase is so short it would be impossible for an embryo to implant.  Last cycle it moved from cd19 to cd16 and I was optimistic that the acupuncture was helping.  This cycle nothing until on cd18 my monitor read peak, but no thermal shift until today cd21.  Ugh.  At least I ovulated right?

So today we just went to the Desert Botanical Gardens and just walked and looked at the amazing plants.  I got some nice pictures, we saw some great wildlife and just had a nice time.  I am feeling better today, but it is frustrating since it is likely because my temperature shifted.

I just want Grace back.  If I had her back I could do anything.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

4 months without my little girl

Just feeling really low the last few days.  This anniversary snuck up on me.  God I miss her so much.. tears spill over frequently.

I was meditating yesterday at yoga.  I generally use that time to spend with Grace.  Yesterday we were at the beach.  She was just learning to walk and had on the cutest blue bathing suit and big white sun hat.  The wind was blowing and she was laughing and the sun was sparkling on the water.  We were so happy in my vision.  I wanted so badly for it to be real.  For her to be with me.  Four months without her, it is like torture.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

My Daughter is Missing

My Daughter is missing.  Can you tell me where she is?

I felt her within me and then she was gone.  Sometimes I still feel her.  How can then that be if she is gone?

I wished for her for so long.  She was so loved and so wanted and yet missing she is.

I cry for her, so many tears, so much pain, but the love that I felt for her from the moment I knew she was is the constant.

My Daughter is missing, but she is with me always as well.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Starting a Name Gallery

I have been pretty introspective lately.  Meditating on what losing Grace means for me.  Trying to create a serene inner landscape to attract baby energy.  Just going with the flow.

However sometimes I feel oddly compelled to buy things that I don't really need.  Fortunately they tend to be inexpensive and these compulsions don't come all that often.  I bought this box of tea this weekend, I was compelled to do so.  I was shopping for Red raspberry leaf tea to help my fertility and saw this box in the clearance bin.

I picked it up and looked at the back for some reason and this is what I found.

So of course I bought it and the raspberry leaf tea.  Then I started thinking about starting a name gallery for Grace.  I will add a page here soon for that.  If any readers out there have photos of her name please e-mail the jpegs to me at avarney1@cox.net.