Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

This last week has been a bitch.  Father's Day just about broke my heart all over again.  It was even worse than Mother's Day.  My husband has wanted a child for so long.  He turned 49 two days after Grace was born, and when I was pregnant I was so happy that I was able to give him a child before he turned 50.  Now there is no chance of that happening. 

Then my FIL was a complete asshat to Mark.  The FIL's birthday was Father's Day, he is back in CA for the summer, so we sent 2 cards and a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant in Paso Robles.  We tried multiple times Sunday to call him and wish him a happy b-day and Father's day.  His phone was shut off, we could not even leave a voice mail.  Then he calls Mark yesterday and yells at him that we did not fly out and see him.  Nothing about how hard Father's Day must have been for us.  Then he admitted that he called his cell carrier and had the phone set so we could not leave messages for him.  Mark hung up on him he was so mad.  I would spit on him if I was anywhere near him.  How DARE he hurt Mark this way!

There have been issues with my Grandmother, she may be asked to leave her nursing home at any time due to her aggressive Alzheimer's behaviors.  I am really frustrated since when I moved her to Memory Care I was told that they would be able to take care of her, now less than 2 months later she may have to leave.  It sucks.  I have been trying to generate a short list of other facilities to move her to, should that situation present itself.

Finally our TTC journey has been rocky lately.  After trying so hard to be zen about this process and roll with the punches and enjoy living life I had a complete mental breakdown last week.  I keep hoping that I will ovulate earlier in my cycle, since at present my luteal phase is so short it would be impossible for an embryo to implant.  Last cycle it moved from cd19 to cd16 and I was optimistic that the acupuncture was helping.  This cycle nothing until on cd18 my monitor read peak, but no thermal shift until today cd21.  Ugh.  At least I ovulated right?

So today we just went to the Desert Botanical Gardens and just walked and looked at the amazing plants.  I got some nice pictures, we saw some great wildlife and just had a nice time.  I am feeling better today, but it is frustrating since it is likely because my temperature shifted.

I just want Grace back.  If I had her back I could do anything.


  1. Hi, I'm still here, I promise. I actually read this the day you posted it, but haven't commented yet. Sometimes the posts bring up so much of my own emotion I can't get past them to address yours.
    First of all, I canNOT believe what a hole your FIL is. Seriously. It's horrific. I'm glad Mark hung up on him. How selfish and manipulative can you be? To your own son? I'm disgusted, and my heart goes out to you both.
    Second, I'm so sorry about all you're dealing with with you grandmother. It's a lot to deal with at any time in life, much less when also dealing with the worst loss of your life.
    And third...f***, the fertility stuff. I remember so well, I'm glad to be beyond it, even when it meant not having a child of our own, it was all so stressful. Whatever road you take, however many divergences there might (or might not be), you and Mark will walk it and I have to believe there will be a healthy, living baby you will be infinitely in love with at the end.
    And lastly...the line that left me without breath and ability to deal... Yes. What would we be capable of if we could get our children back?? The world would open up again. Those 9 simple words bring back every painful cell and atom of my being, as if we lost her just this week. There is nothing I can do or say but cry along with you.
    Which I am.

  2. Just wanted to drop in and say sorry Father's Day was so hard. It was hard on us too as Father's Day last year was the day Eva was flown to the bigger hospital and put into PICU. Anyway, just wanted to give you a virtual tight hug.
    Love you,