Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Mini Breakdown

Had a small break down last night.  I was trying to do my self hypnosis cd homework for hypnotherapy, and everything just kept going wrong.  Mark pissed me off by something stupid he said, one of the cats kept jumping on me while I was trying to relax, then the pit bull jumped on me.  I started yelling and swearing at the dog, she jumped off the bed and looked really scared and then I just started bawling.  Deep, snotty, racking sobs for my difficulty getting pregnant, for losing Grace, for everything.  Mark held me while a cried it all out.

It all started at work.  A co-worker just had her son's 1 year birthday party on Saturday.  They live in a small condo and people were asking if they had room for all of his new toys.  She said that it was tight, but they were going to give away a lot of his infant stuff to make room.  Then the question came up if they should save any for future babies.  She said "no I am not going to do this again, too much work!"  They she said "well I told my husband we can think about it for a few more years, but after I turn 35 if we want more kids we will adopt."  I know that she was not trying to be mean, I know that she never meant to hurt me with her words, but she did.  I am now 36 and trying for another baby, adopting is not where I am.

Also since I stopped charting I am now obsessing over my underwear every time I go to the bathroom looking for signs of my period starting.  I have been cramping slightly and I am certainly emotional, so I will probably start my period in a few days.  Shit, shit, shit.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Little scare with Grandma

So I got a call from Copper Village (Grandma's new memory care facility), they said there had been an incident.  In my previous experience that means she has had a behavior break and is spitting, cursing, ramming people with her walker, etc.  I figured the "honeymoon" period with the new home was over and we were back to all the issues from the previous home.  Nope, this incident was medical.  I went from being elated that it wasn't a behavior issue to then being worried that she was not okay.  Turns out ot was failry minor, she got dizzy and almost fell, but was caught by the care worker.  Mark and I went to see her right away and she was good, alert, remembers about as much as she normally does.  We had a nice visit.

Unfortunately Mark was so worried that when driving out of the garage he dinged my car.  We got the bumper back on, but will have to see if more advanced body work is needed.

Also yesterday was my 36th birthday.  I worked which was a nice distraction and had really nice clients all day long.  Mark made me a sour cream blueberry cake which was very yummy and we had dinner at Blue Adobe with some friends.  It was a pretty gentle day which was what I needed.  Not having Grace here made everything seem hollow and incomplete.  So now when I get pregnant again I will be advanced maternal age... hey I'll take it if it means we have another baby soon.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Today I had my first hypnosis session with my therapist.  It was different and powerful and beautiful at the same time.  I had tears rolling down my face at the end I just wanted to stay the in world I saw in that hypnotic trance.

For those of you who have never been hypnotized, like me 4 hours ago, here is a brief description of what happened.  I was in a recliner, there was soft, relaxing music playing in the background.  The hypnotist described relaxing each part of my body, one by one, them becoming loose and heavy.  Then she had me picture a staircase with plush red carpet on it, that had 20 steps.  She had me mentally walk down the steps and with each step I became more and more relaxed, like my body was numb and floating away.  At the bottom of the steps I was bathed in this clean pure sun light, and then I honestly lost track of her voice.  Being in the trance state is kind of like the place you are just between sleep and wakefulness.  You can hear what is going on around you, but you just ignore it, and you can have visions, but you are apart from not in them like a normal sleeping dream.  I had several visions during my hypnotic trance today.  The first was of a forest, all the trees and branches were frozen, but the sun was shining on them and clear, pure water was dripping off them into a stream running through the snow.  All of the bad feelings and experiences of my life were just melting away from those trees into that stream.

Then the hypnotist lead me to "talk" to my reproductive organs, ask then what the need, thank them for working so hard every month.  I was having trouble since I could not feel what my womb needed and I felt like I might be doing something wrong and then I started to have a vision.  It was Grace's room, but not her room.  There was a big window and the sun was streaming in, everything in the room was bathed in this gentle, gauzy light.  There was a white crib (just like the one I had picked out for Grace) and pink, fluffy blankets and I was standing in the light, peaceful and happy, just waiting.  I wish I could explain better how peaceful I felt, I did not want to leave that place, but I had to.  I walked back up the red staircase, one step at a time, with each step becoming more aware of my body and my surroundings, until I reached the top step and opened my eyes.

I would have told you the whole experience lasted 10 to 15 minutes at most, but I have a cd recording of the session and it is almost 40 minutes long.  I awoke rested and relaxed, hopeful and so happy that I had decided to do this.

She asked me to describe any thoughts, feelings or images that came up during the trance.  I described the two I had and we talked about what they could mean.  She felt that I was the forest, frozen, but that the melting was Spring coming, which brings new life with it.  I felt like the nursery was how I really view my womb, safe, peaceful and a place of life.  I am waiting for a baby that I know will come, come from me.  I have said before that I know I will have more children, but I really KNOW in the deepest recesses of my mind it is my future.

For now I have my cd to listen to at home.  She said that the more often I practice getting into a hypnotic trance the deeper I will be able to get during sessions and the more work we can do to discover any possible sub-conscious blocks to my fertility.

For any readers who are on a fertility journey of their own, which like mine is anything but a straight line.  I would so recommend at least trying hypnotherapy.  Peace to you all.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Jane's Irish Stew

Mark has really be struggling lately, and honestly I am not doing that much better.  I still cry so easily, commercials, movies, songs, and of course baby loss blog posts can have tears pouring down my face in seconds.  The whole TTC journey is slightly less stressful as I take the advice of my hypnotherapist and acupuncturist, but the grief and loss journey is still so rocky.

Poor Mark had some bad news at work this week.  Honestly a silly clerical issue is causing the district to dock his pay to that of a long term substitute for 2 weeks.  Such a heavy punishment for a ridiculous paper pushing mistake.  He just feels so unsupported by his work and his friends lately.  I have been focusing on trying to nurture him and be there for him 110%.

So today he did not want to even get out of bed.  I convinced him to go to church, which usually helps him, but then when we got home he slept some more.  We ran a few errands this afternoon and I made him Irish Stew for dinner and a sour cream chocolate cake for dessert.  He had an honest to God Irish nanny as a little boy and he adored her.  Hell he still adores her and she died 40 some years ago.  I did my best to recreate her stew and he said that I came close.  I told him while we were eating that maybe Jane was taking care of Grace in the afterlife, and he said that he hoped that was true.  Now he is watching his beloved Pittsburgh Steelers and we will eat cake, as soon as it cools.  I wish that I could do more for him, but this is all I have and I hope that it is enough.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Half Year Birthday

Today is Grace's half year birthday.  Six months have elapsed since I held her little body in my arms and smelled her wonderful smell, and heard my heart break into a million, billion pieces.  How can it possibly be so long ago?  Her life permeates my existence.  My husband calls her his personal deity.  She is the greatest experience of my life, and the saddest.  I wish that she were here crawling, sitting up, trying solid foods, teething and all the other fun adventures of those who measure their lives in months.  Instead she is in a heart shaped urn, wrapped in soft pink fabric and tied around the bear the hospital gave me to hold while I labored to bring her still body into this world.  The unfairness of it all has not changed in the 6 months since my heart broke and my dreams of motherhood shattered.

I replaced the necklace that I lost on the beach in Hawaii threefold.  Two of the Grace necklaces have arrived, I wore them both today.  We gave money to the church my husband has been attending today in her name.  We lit a candle for her at church.  I bought items for a homeless shelter today and will give them in her name.  I am doing my best to parent her memory, to let the unspeakable goodness of her spirit sing in this world even if her body is silent.

Some Native American cultures believe in spirit animals: they believe you have an animal that leads you through difficult times and guides you.  I love this idea.  I have been trying to decide what my spirit animal is.  I have narrowed it down to two animals.  The first being a Hawaiian green gecko.  We have seen them on our last 2 trips to Hawaii, they symbolize good luck.  The other is an owl.  An owl was the animal on April of my Calendar, the one that Grace's due date was happily circled on.  They remind me of Grace, wise beyond their years, smart and otherworldly.  While thinking about all of this I realized something amazing.  I have a spirit guide... my beautiful spirit baby.  I feel her near me everyday and I know that she has led me to embrace acupuncture and hypnotherapy, to heal my heart and body in ways I never would have considered before.  I know that she will lead me to bring another baby or babies into this world.  I know that she will help me become a kinder person, a more whole and complete person.  I know that she was born of the deep love Mark and I have for one another and that anything created out of that love knows no boundries, certainly nothing as small as death.

Please think of my baby girl tonight and think of an act of Grace, no matter how big or small, to perform tomorrow that will bring some of her goodness back into our world.

Spirit Animal?

My spirit guide, my darling, my Grace.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Surrendering to the Process

I had my first session with a hypnotherapist yesterday who specializes in fertility.  She is also a licensed psychologist so we spent the entire session just talking.  Next time actual hypnosis.  I cried a lot during the session.  The grief is so close to the surface lately, bubbling over at the slightest provocation, and talking about my fertility, Grace and other issues in my life that cause me stress was hard.  We talked a lot about giving myself over to the conception process, by stopping BBT and fertility monitors and surrendering to the conception process.  Isn't it strange that surrender and giving up look very similar, but are completely different at the same time?

This letting go stuff is so hard though.  I am pretty sure that this will be my last cycle with the fertility monitor for a while, both my acupuncturist and hypnotherapist have suggested this and I do get really anxious waiting for the results every morning so it makes sense.  The BBT though, wow I am not sure if I am ready for that.  I will take things a step at a time for now.

We also talked about what meaning I have for why Grace died, where Grace is and what I learned from her.  I like to think that we all have a purpose and once we have fulfilled that purpose our life is complete.  Grace , I believe, was meant to know the purest love, to never to be cold, or alone, to be enveloped in joy every minute of her life.  She had all that, never was there a baby loved more than her, never had a baby brought so much joy to her parents, so her spirit was ready to leave.  I don't know where she is right now, but I feel her with me all the time.

My therapist says that maybe Grace's spirit is trying to return to me, or perhaps lead a new soul to me to parent.  I love that idea.

Patience and surrender, not my strong suits, but if that is what I need to let Grace's sibling into our lives then that is what I will strive to do.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Travel Log: July 10, 2012

Today we slept in.  I had this dream of taking yoga classes on both sides of the island and even picked out studios to practice at on the Internet prior to our trip.  Unfortunately none of that came to pass, for many reasons, but mostly because I was accommodating what Mark wanted to do.  So since this is our last day here and no yoga yet, Mark offered to teach a private class for me in the condo.  It was the strangest yoga I have ever done, but it was so sweet of Mark and I loved every minute of it.  Afterwards I made our last Hawaiian breakfast of toad in the hole and stuffed papaya, which we ate on the lanai.

Last trip to La'aloa, M boogie boarded and I walked on the beach, took photos and read.  It was overcast so we skipped snorkeling and went back to the condo to start laundry, pack and clean up.  For lunch we went to the Kona Canoe Club and split a so/so chicken sandwich with a 1/2 order of onion rings.  They are very serious about half orders, ours was literally 2 onion rings.  We were right on the bay, so at least we had a nice view.  Next to KTA to redeem our $10 gift card, which we had won previously when shopping there.  We used it to buy more coffee.

Finished the laundry, packing the suitcases and cleaning the condo.  We checked out and needed to find an activity to occupy us until our 10:45 pm flight.  We decided on a drive to a beach in south Kohala just to explore and not to swim since we had no place to clean up afterwards.  We took a detour at Waikiloa Village and spur of the moment changed our plans and decided to have a sunset dinner at the nicest restaurant in the Hilton.

The Hilton was massive with three huge towers connected by, I kid you not, a tram.  There was a salt water lagoon, six dolphins, a gigantic chlorine pool with a sand beach, water slides and a rope bridge.  However the actual ocean beach was very rocky and not swimable.  It kinda felt the Disneyland, and although it was pretty, it lacked authenticity.  I'm glad that we had the vacation we had and not the easy, generic luxury of this place.

Our sunset meal at KPC (Kapuna Provision Company) was fantastic, the view to die for and the meal very, very well prepared.  The amazing photos at the end were taken here.

After dinner we fueled up the Crown Vic and returned her to the rental car company.  Then check in at the tiny Kona airport.

All in all it was a good trip.  As good as any trip could be in a world without Grace.  I know that she is always with me, but I would give anything to hold her, see her smile, hear her laugh.... I know that I will have more children, but that doesn't take the ache and hurt away of losing our first born.

M's Yoga student

Breakfast on the lanai

KTA Winner!

Feeling the Eastern Meditation vibe at the Hilton

Our dinner table at KPC

Last Hawaiian sunset

Wishing she were here

Mother Nature showing off