Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Sometimes you just can't catch a break

So I had an abnormal pap smear in the months before I got pregnant with Grace.  It was the lowest grade abnormal (atypical), but an abnormal none the less.  I had a colposcopy a few weeks later which was completely normal and by OB didn't even feel the need to take a biopsy.  The plan was to have pap smears every 6 months from here on out. Of course then I became pregnant so no pap smear in 6 months.  I had one at my 6 week follow up from losing Grace and it was perfectly normal.  I even had to remind the OB's office that I needed to schedule another exam in 6 months not 12.  Well 6 months have gone by and last week I had my pap smear.  I wasn't even worried about it, since the last one was normal, but the universe has a crappy sense of humor.

It was low grade abnormal, so 1 level worse than the atypical I had previously, there are still 3 more levels of abnormal after this one, but it has hit me like a ton of bricks.  In 3 weeks I go in for another colposcopy, but even if that is normal they will likely biopsy and perform cryosurgery on my cervix since I keep having abnormal smears.  This just sucks, my baby died I should get a pass on all this crap, especially things involving my reproductive organs.  Seriously I have had sex with 3 people in my life, 3 and yet I have this to deal with.

I am sorry if this comes off as a complete pity party, but hey I reserve the right today.  Tomorrow I can be all adult and think about the people who have dealt with worse things than this, but not today.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

When your subconscious talks back

So a new day, less angry with my DH, and things are better between us.  Now onto what I really wanted to post about yesterday, my second hypnotherapy session with actual hypnosis.

Last time I was placed into a very relaxed trance state and then just had images come to me which I discussed with the doctor after coming out of the trance.  This week I was hypnotized and then my subconscious was asked to move my fingers in some way, first to indicate "yes," then "no," and finally "I don't know."  For me my right index moved slightly for "yes," and my left thumb moved for "no" and my left ring finger for "I don't know."  Then the therapist asked a series of yes or no questions to my subconscious about possible blocks to conception.  The first two questions she asked were nos, although I honestly don't remember what they were.  The strangest thing about this whole process is that she would ask a question and I would be thinking about my conscious answer and she would acknowledge that I had already answered the question.  Like I was observing a conversation that I was unable to participate in.

Things got really interesting when my subconscious answered "yes" about a conception block.  The question had something to do with if I felt having a child would be harmful to me in some way.  I was thinking about my health and how I had no fears about carrying another child, but my subconscious answered yes.  She then asked if my subconscious knew why it felt having a child would be harmful, and I had all these images of my relationship with my mother, which has been extremely hurtful to me over the years, and how my mother was also very hurtful to my Grandmother.  My Grandmother had a terrible relationship with her mother as well.  Then I thought about the other maternal figures in my life: Mrs. Milo my high school Non-Western Civilization and Philosophy teacher and my Grandmother.  Mrs. Milo was a huge influence and during those difficult high school years, a much needed mother figure.  Our friendship continued beyond high school, until she took her own life my sophomore year in college.  My Grandmother also has been a huge female figure in my life, the person I called about everything, lived with while I was an intern, and just basically was the mother to me that my mother could not be.  Alzheimer's has stolen that relationship from us.  I of course still love her and care for her, but I cannot share my life with her the way I used to.  The last question was if my subconscious was open to removing that block and it said yes.

This was a revelation to me.  I really have no supportive maternal relationships in my life, and will likely never have any in the future.  Is my subconscious afraid that I will be hurt by my relationship with a child the way I have been hurt by my mother?  I knew that I did not want to have children for many years since I was afraid that I would have some of the mental health issues my mother has and that would not be fair to a child, but that the child could hurt me was not something I was consciously aware of.  I know that I am a good mother, a loving person and not at all like my mother, who is selfish and has the capacity to be extremely emotionally cruel.  The doctor, after we talked about this, recommended that I read a book called Mother Daughter Wisdom, about the often difficult relationships between mothers and daughters.

She also said something that really resonated with me.  I told her that I was not as affected by not conceiving as I used to be, or at least I felt like I was dealing with it better, but I also just felt numb about everything more often than not.  So maybe this is not progress, just another emotional defense mechanism.  She said that it can feel overwhelming when you think about the amount of time you have been trying to have a child, but I really have not been trying that long the RIGHT way.  Before with the fertility treatments and tests and everything, that was the wrong way and should not be counted as time really spent trying.  I have only recently been dealing with these emotional and subconscious issues around conception, so really I have just started trying.  I like that mindset.  I have only been trying the right way for a few months, that's way better than 4 years!

I will keep you all update on what my subconscious has to say as I continue on this journey.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Fighting with the DH

Had a fight with my husband tonight.  I guess not really a fight, but he said something insensitive and then I said something mean and then he got his pillows and took them into the guest bedroom and is going to bed and we are not speaking.  I actually completely blame him for all this, which since I am still mad about what he said is probably not shocking.  I have been subtly and not so subtly asking for support and comfort all night and he has kinda been a pain in the butt.  I get so sick of being the steady support, the glue that holds our relationship together.  Sometimes I want him to do what I want and not ask 10 million questions about my choice or try to talk me out of it, or pout when he finally does what I want, or blame me for the dog eating a bag of candy he left out since I MADE him to something.  Jerk....  And seriously why would an almost 8 year old pit bull want to eat a bag of licorice all sorts?

The sad thing is I have been meaning to post about my most recent hypnotherapy session and now I am just to plain mad to write about it well.  So instead I will post a picture of one of my cats wearing a bow tie.  Why?  Cause he looks super cute and I don't have a living baby to dress in cute outfits so my cats are being used as substitute children.   That and it is a Tiny's Tie, so all the proceeds go to the Fredericton SPCA in Canada.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

The Formula for a Family

So when all of your dreams involve having living children you spend a lot of time thinking about how many ways you can build a family.  Of course there is the typical way: find a member of the opposite sex that you want to spend a lot of time with, marry them or make some type of long term commitment, then have unprotected sex, make babies = instant family.

 I tried to follow that formula, but it did not work out so well for me.  Got the husband, had the unprotected sex, no baby.  Took the next step saw the fertility specialist, had the tests, had the treatments, spent the money, no baby.  Had the miracle, unexplained, perfect pregnancy, with the beautiful daughter of my dreams, but no living baby.

Read all the books on natural or alternative formulas for family making.  Now I have seen the acupuncturist, had the needling, taken the Chinese herbs, been hypnotized, done the yoga, taken my temperature daily, peed on so many OPKs and fertility prediction devices, still no pregnancy.

So now what?  How far am I willing to go to build my family?  First I am not ready to throw in the towel on getting pregnant on my own, but I am thinking ahead to how I will proceed if I am not pregnant after another 12-18 months of trying.

So the next formula... another round of IVF?  Yeah I would do that again.  Donor eggs and IVF?  Yeah I would do that.  Straight up adoption?  Wow that is harder, but yes I would do that too.  So I guess there are a lot of formulas to grow a family, and I am pretty much open to all of them.

Hope is a tricky thing, but I am trying to hold on to it and see all the ways I could parent a living child.  They are all wonderful and someday one of them will bring a baby into our lives again.

Monday, September 10, 2012


This last week I thought would be really relaxing, but the universe did not get the same memo I did.  We still had water pouring from our ceiling from a supposedly fixed issue with our air conditioner, the pool vacuum stopped working, the garbage disposal started leaking, the leak in the water line to the refrigerator that my husband thought he fixed is not fixed, my car went into the body shop to fix a dent my husband put in it, my mother decided she wanted to stay for a few days after Labor Day, the microwave stopped working, my FIL's car I was using while mine was in the shop had the check engine light on, when I finally got my car back the tire pressure light went on, when I used my DH's car the battery to the remote entry was dead and every time I tried to start the car or open the door without it the car alarm went off, then the gas light went on.... Ugh

I have been trying not to stress out, but honestly it is so much.  I did get the microwave fixed, the cars and their keys are all functional again with normal tire pressure.  I ordered a new garbage disposal, sent my mother back to Tucson, got the pool vacuum serviced and started shopping for a replacement.  Finally got a good HVAC guy out here who fixed the problem with the condensing pan so no more water in my living room.  That leaves me with a garbage disposal to install when it gets here, a hole to fix in my living room ceiling, a refrigerator with a bum water line, oh I forgot the leaking faucet in the kitchen and likely a new pool vacuum to buy.

So after all this stress and chaos, I was doing the laundry this weekend.  I started getting really emotional, since this was something that I wax expecting to do daily or at least every other day, and it is still a once a week chore.  Mark told me earlier this week that if it is just us and we don't have more children he is still so happy because we love each other so much.  I am glad that he loves me that much, and I would never want to be with any one else, but that desire for another child just echoes inside me.  I want to be using the crap out of the washing machine.  I want to have a babbling screaming baby while I deal with the joys of homeownership.  I just really miss her, really, really miss her.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

How to Make a Baby Loss Quilt

This week I have embarked upon a strange new journey... quilting.  My Grandmother shared quilts with me as a little girl, she did not make them (although I suspect that she would have had her life been different), but she appreciated them, bought them and had them made.  I remember going to the Kutztown Folk Festival with her in the summer and looking at all of the beautiful quilts that cost too much for us to buy, but were great fun to look at.

 I asked for a book on quilting years ago for Christmas and it sat on my shelf, unread, for the better part of a decade.  Until a few weeks ago.  I decided to read it.  I see other mom's making quilts for their babies, I see babies on quilts in my hypnosis sessions, and one of my favorite gifts for Grace was a handmade quilt in pink and green.  So I am going to try and make one myself.  I have the book, I ordered equipment on Amazon, I bought fabric.  I am ready... I think.

I don't know who this quilt is for.  It may be just for me.  It may be a representation of hope, that I will have another baby soon to make a quilt for.  It may be guilt that I never even thought of making one for Grace.  I don't know, but I know that I need to make it, I need to at least try.  I am hoping that it will be a meditative practice, that can quiet my mind and relax my soul.

The last few weeks have been so hard.  I miss her so much.  I actually had ghost kicks last week and they brought back such happy memories that I did not start crying for 5 minutes, but then the feeling of loss flooded my spirit.  I suspect that there will be many tears shed while making this quilt and that is okay.

Fabrics for the quilt experiment