So a new day, less angry with my DH, and things are better between us. Now onto what I really wanted to post about yesterday, my second hypnotherapy session with actual hypnosis.
Last time I was placed into a very relaxed trance state and then just had images come to me which I discussed with the doctor after coming out of the trance. This week I was hypnotized and then my subconscious was asked to move my fingers in some way, first to indicate "yes," then "no," and finally "I don't know." For me my right index moved slightly for "yes," and my left thumb moved for "no" and my left ring finger for "I don't know." Then the therapist asked a series of yes or no questions to my subconscious about possible blocks to conception. The first two questions she asked were nos, although I honestly don't remember what they were. The strangest thing about this whole process is that she would ask a question and I would be thinking about my conscious answer and she would acknowledge that I had already answered the question. Like I was observing a conversation that I was unable to participate in.
Things got really interesting when my subconscious answered "yes" about a conception block. The question had something to do with if I felt having a child would be harmful to me in some way. I was thinking about my health and how I had no fears about carrying another child, but my subconscious answered yes. She then asked if my subconscious knew why it felt having a child would be harmful, and I had all these images of my relationship with my mother, which has been extremely hurtful to me over the years, and how my mother was also very hurtful to my Grandmother. My Grandmother had a terrible relationship with her mother as well. Then I thought about the other maternal figures in my life: Mrs. Milo my high school Non-Western Civilization and Philosophy teacher and my Grandmother. Mrs. Milo was a huge influence and during those difficult high school years, a much needed mother figure. Our friendship continued beyond high school, until she took her own life my sophomore year in college. My Grandmother also has been a huge female figure in my life, the person I called about everything, lived with while I was an intern, and just basically was the mother to me that my mother could not be. Alzheimer's has stolen that relationship from us. I of course still love her and care for her, but I cannot share my life with her the way I used to. The last question was if my subconscious was open to removing that block and it said yes.
This was a revelation to me. I really have no supportive maternal relationships in my life, and will likely never have any in the future. Is my subconscious afraid that I will be hurt by my relationship with a child the way I have been hurt by my mother? I knew that I did not want to have children for many years since I was afraid that I would have some of the mental health issues my mother has and that would not be fair to a child, but that the child could hurt me was not something I was consciously aware of. I know that I am a good mother, a loving person and not at all like my mother, who is selfish and has the capacity to be extremely emotionally cruel. The doctor, after we talked about this, recommended that I read a book called Mother Daughter Wisdom, about the often difficult relationships between mothers and daughters.
She also said something that really resonated with me. I told her that I was not as affected by not conceiving as I used to be, or at least I felt like I was dealing with it better, but I also just felt numb about everything more often than not. So maybe this is not progress, just another emotional defense mechanism. She said that it can feel overwhelming when you think about the amount of time you have been trying to have a child, but I really have not been trying that long the RIGHT way. Before with the fertility treatments and tests and everything, that was the wrong way and should not be counted as time really spent trying. I have only recently been dealing with these emotional and subconscious issues around conception, so really I have just started trying. I like that mindset. I have only been trying the right way for a few months, that's way better than 4 years!
I will keep you all update on what my subconscious has to say as I continue on this journey.