Monday, March 26, 2012

Sad

I was feeling okay for most of today, but then I checked my e-mail and there was a message from an old friend who was checking in.  I hadn't written to tell her that Grace had died, I hoped she had seen my post on Facebook, but she had not.  So I had to write and tell her.  The sadness just hit me life a giant wave.  I wanted to be writing and telling her how excited we were to get to meet our daughter soon, not to have to tell her that our baby was gone.

I also keep having the strange sensation that I am still pregnant.  I feel her inside me still.  I want to be pregnant again so badly.  I am so afraid that won't happen.  I have not written in detail about our struggles trying to get pregnant... I plan to soon, but needless to say that getting pregnant with Grace felt like a miracle.  Will lightening strike twice?  Can I ask for another miracle?  Is it true that once you have gotten pregnant it is easier?

My darling Grace I just wish that you could be with us.  You are always in my heart, but I would give anything to hold you again.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Grace Bear

When I was in the hospital we had such wonderful nurses and doctors, but one in particular really helped us start to learn how to grieve.  Her name was Lesley.  She gave us books and other literature on baby loss, arranged for a photographer to come, arranged for the Chaplain to come and speak with us, etc.  She also gave us a stuffed bear.  She said that a previous baby loss couple were given a bear and they called it the Braydon bear for their son who was born still.  A few months after their loss they donated a new bear to the labor and delivery unit for a future couple who had lost their baby.  Lesley brought us this bear, she said that this could be our Grace bear.  I had not slept with stuffed animals since I was 13, but I have slept with the Grace bear every night since Lesley gave her to us.  When I delivered Grace, I held her with the Grace bear.  I tried to visualize Grace's spirit going into the bear, so that a part of her could come home with us.  I hold the bear at night and dream that it could be my baby.

Grace and the Grace bear

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Yoga and Tears

Yesterday I went to a yoga class for the first time in a long time.  I used to religiously go to a yoga studio, but then I got into an awkward situation with my instructor and I stopped going.  I missed the practice of yoga, so I went to yoga at several different gyms, but none had the spiritual and meditative impact of yoga at a yoga studio.  A friend brought me the flyer for this new yoga studio in the first weeks after Grace died.  So I called my friend and we tried this new studio.  It was really emotional.  I cried during the beginning when we were starting the pranayama.  Then during all the meditative moments my mind went to Grace and I felt this deep sorrow.  I could just feel her on my chest laying so still, and I wanted to breathe life into her again.  My body went through the poses and I physically felt stronger than I had in a long time, but my emotional being was so, so sad.  At the end during savasana I just had tears pouring down my face.  I want to go back, my body felt better afterwards, but it was mentally difficult.

The rest of the day went by fairly gently.  I visited my Grandmother, who is doing much better.  I made dinner for Mark.  Then in the evening I was so prickly and sensitive.  I snapped at Mark while he was trying to book our summer vacation.  I know that it is good to have a trip to look forward to, and we need to get away from our lives for a time, but all I could think about was how I wanted Grace to be on vacation with us.  Mark wants to go back to Hawaii, not Kauai this time, but the Big Island.  I have thought so much about taking Grace to Hawaii where she was conceived, watching her play in the warm water, eating giant shave ices with her, falling asleep listening to the ocean.  I want her with us.  The yoga, seeing my Grandmother, vacation planning it all just came crashing down and I was sobbing like I did in the first days.  I can function better now, but I am still broken.

A few days pregnant eating shave ice

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Postpartum Follow Up Today

We had our 6 week follow up today.  It went reasonably well, there was no one in the waiting room when we got there, and only one pregnant woman showed up while we were waiting.  Despite that good start I started crying before we even made it to the exam room.  The exam was normal, he said that I looked good.  The pap smear results should be back next week at the latest, possibly Friday.  Last Spring I had an abnormal pap, and had to have a colposcopy which was thankfully normal.  The plan was to have pap smears every 6 months, but I was pregnant with Grace so no November pap.  I am not sure that I could take any more bad news so please, please universe let me have a normal pap.  The good news was that in 1-2 cycles we could actively start to try and get pregnant again, and he said that we did not have to take any precautions against pregnancy in the meantime.  That office has some of the best memories of my life, I hate that it is so hard to be there now.

We came home and I was just exhausted.  The mail had photos from the hospital which I was not expecting.  They were very sweet with Grace in her little outfit from Threads of Love.  Then both Mark and I had a mini break down.  It was cathartic and needed after all the emotion from today.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sunday Should Be

Sundays are hard.  It was the day that Grace was born still, the day that I had those few precious hours with her and then had to let her little body go.  Since then Sundays are hard, I miss her most on those days, and it doesn't help that I don't have work to distract me.  This Sunday is no exception.

Mark has been in a foul mood since last night.  We went to a birthday party for a friend and there were many babies and toddlers there.  We knew there would be, but we wanted to support our friends (their journey though infertility and illness is heartbreaking).  We hung out with adults, mostly from my work, and only really interacted with one child, but it was really hard especially for Mark.  Then we got into an argument on the way home, a really stupid argument involving stopping the car to get a stray kitten out of the road.  I insisted that we stop, he felt it was too dangerous.  We stopped, and then I was mad at him and I accidentally slammed the middle finger of my left hand in the car door.  Then he got really mad at me for injuring myself.  He is super protective since I was pregnant.  So now I have a smashed, bleeding finger and a yelling husband... great Saturday night.  BTW the kitten safely ran out of the middle of the road as soon as I got out of the car.

Ouch!


He apologized for being an asshole, and I know it was just because he was stressed and grieving, but it still sucked.

So today we are at lunch with another friend and I am thinking that I should be 37 weeks pregnant now, big as a house with swollen ankles.  I should being peeing 5 times a night and having trouble physically getting out of bed and the car and up off the couch.  I should have heartburn.  I should be getting the final touches to the nursery done and assembling our co-sleeper bassinet and packing my hospital bag.  I should be doing all those things, but I am not because my baby died.  I can move and bend any way I want.  I can eat and drink anything I want.  I can do all those things, but all I want is my baby back.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Anonymity

The world of babyloss is a strange place.  There is a language all it's own, that you learn quickly.  You enter into it raw, bleeding, tear stained and broken.  You talk about your inner most thoughts, fears, emotions using this strange new language that all of a sudden you are fluent in.  You develop friendships with people you have never seen, voices you have never heard, they are your lifeline and you rarely even know their real first name.  You know them by their handle, a name they have chosen, one that generally speaks to their loss.  Mine is "Grace's Mom" or "Thoughts of Grace" depending on the site.  Maybe this emotional freedom is only possible through anonymity.  If I say my real name or that of my husband would it prevent me from saying everything I need to?  Would people use it against me?  Would knowing what I do for a living change how people view me and my opinions?  Unfortunately for all of us who we are and what we do does affect how we process our grief and loss.

So here we go... My name is Amanda, my husband is Mark.  We are Grace's parents.  I am a veterinarian, Mark is a middle school art teacher.  We are regular, middle class people.  We are well educated, compassionate people who care about other people and animals.  We share our home with two dogs, a 13 year old German Shepherd mix named Audrey, a 7 year old Pit Bull named Lakota and three cats, Flip, Louie and Banksy.  We are still Grace's parents, losing our anonymity does not change that, it does not change our loss, it just brings more of her story and our story into focus.

My favorite U/S Picture of Grace

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Cookies and Milk

I baked cookies today for the first time since Grace died.  I like to bake, I find it relaxing.  I do it as often as I can.  My husband and I regularly take baked goods to work since we cannot eat all of what I make.  I bake all kinds of things: bread, pies, brownies, cakes, but cookies are my favorite.  There are so many varieties, I have lists of types that I would like to make.  I rarely make the same kind twice, unless my husband puts in a request.  He did actually ban me from baking for about 4 months last year, he thought he was gaining weight.  It did not work out well for him since I started making sorbets and ice creams, since they did not involve the oven.  By the way the key to my husband's heart is blackberry sorbet with vanilla ice cream.

I made chocolate cookies with peanut butter chips the week before Grace died.  They were a childhood favorite that I had not had in years and had never made.  I was craving them.  I had picked out the type of cookie I would make next, oatmeal scotchies.  I was on this diet for our Bradley birthing classes, you had to eat 75-100 mg of protein, 4 servings of whole grains, 4 servings of dairy, 2 eggs, 2 servings of green vegetables, 3 healthy fats, 1 regular vegetable, 1 fruit and 1 source of vitamin C daily.  I was having troubles getting all of those things every day.  The whole grains were hard since they were so filling and I had so many other things to eat.  So I decided that I could get my whole grains in cookies.  I never had a chance to make them for my baby.

I wonder what kind of cookies would have been her favorite: chocolate chip, orange marmalade, apricot thumbprints, apeas, sugar cookies?  I would have made all of those and more for her, we would have made them together.

Her feet held in our hands.  Her feet just like mine.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

4 weeks

Four weeks since Grace was born still... It seems like it was yesterday.  I think often about how soft her skin was and how good she smelled.

My poor husband Mark is having so much trouble this week.  He says that the grief has been unrelenting.  I wish that I could do more for him, but I know that we both just need to experience the pain, that is part of the price of loving her.  I have heard that there is no closure for babyloss parents and that sounds and feels true, perhaps solace and peace are the most we can hope for.

I have been thinking about the magic of life recently.  As a scientist I understand the cellular process of reproduction and embryology, but when we were struggling with infertility all the science and medicine in the world did not result in life.  We were in Kauai, thinking that we would start trying for a baby again when we got home.  And there by the ocean without FSH injections or Clomid or OPKs or even measuring basal body temperature life began within me.  There is magic in that.  The fact that I knew the baby inside me, knew her and who she was without ever hearing her voice, or seeing her eyes is such magic.  I so hope to experience that magic again some day.

My grief counselor said that next visit we were to discuss where I thought Grace's spirit was since that can affect the grief process.  The truth is I don't know what I believe.  The Christian notion of a heaven is a beautiful idea, and a comforting one, but I don't know that I have believed in it for some time.  Before having Grace I thought, from a very scientific and rational place, that the afterlife was not a conscious plane of existence for us, and that our immortality was achieved by being remembered by the living whose lives and hearts we touched.  That concept made sense to me then.  Now it feels very hollow, since I am not the one leaving the world and the living behind, my infant daughter is.  Now the concept that her spirit is not out there, somewhere is horrifying to me.  Reincarnation and Nirvana are too foreign for me.  What else is there?  There is something about the magic that I was talking about before that feels right and comforting like her spirit could be in the wind and the waves and trees and all around me.  I know that I am not afraid to die since when my time comes in some way I will get to be with her again.

Mother and Daughter

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Alzheimer's Sucks

After my difficult day yesterday I could have used a little break, but the universe seems to have it out for me this year.  My day started at 3 am when my Grandmother's assisted living facility called.  She was in pain and had a "boil" on her back side and wanted to go to the hospital.  Of course I had to be at work in 5 hours and could not sit with her at the hospital for 6 hours to be seen.  AL said that they could not give her anything for pain since they did not have a doctor's orders, but if I gave her pain medication that would be okay.  So I got dressed and me and my DH went over and gave her some Tylenol.

Of course since I needed a kick in the gut, at 3:15 am my Grandmother is more lucid than she has been in 2 years.  She remembered that I was pregnant, she collected items from her room to give the baby.  I thought that she would forget again so I just played along, plus I have been told not to tell Alzheimer's patients about deaths since it just upsets them and they don't remember later.  I promise to take her to Urgent Care once I get off work and we go home and go back to bed.

Work was steady, but not crazy and I get off on time at 4 pm and go directly to pick her up.  She said that the Tylenol did nothing for the pain and was frantic.  I took her to Urgent care where they diagnosed her with a pilonidal cyst/abscess and conjunctivitis.  They started her on pain medications and antibiotics.  While waiting to see the doctor she said that I was not showing very much for the baby being due on April 13th.  I lied and told her that the baby was due in late summer.  Then she told me that she was hoping for a girl, but the most important thing was that the baby was healthy.  It took everything I had to not start sobbing as I told her that was right a healthy baby was most important.  I keep hoping that she will forget again.  Hell she normally can't remember anything for more than 5 minutes and now she knows my due date?  The Universe has a crappy sense of humor.

My DH did apologize at 3 am for the things he said that night and I forgave him.  I don't think that Grace would want her parents mad at each other.

I am now heading off to bed and hoping for no more 3 am phone calls.  Another picture of Grace to end this post on a good note.

Goodnight my Darling... Mommy loves you.


Friday, March 9, 2012

Pictures

I got the cd today from the photographer with all the pictures of Grace.  Unfortunately I had a huge fight with my DH and was in a terrible mood.  We fought about my father in law.  My husband asked me to be nicer to this man who has said my baby's name, never visited us in the hospital, never saw Grace or held Grace, did not send flowers or a card or anything...  I don't have anything else to give, I give everything to my grief and I cannot spare extra niceness to people who give nothing to me.  I cried and yelled at my husband for asking something like that of me now.  I have tried to be nice to my FIL, but he is not a nice person and he has hurt me so much and my husband so much that I am done.

I wish that this hurtful day, was not the day I got my beautiful pictures of Grace.  Maybe it was her spirit giving me something good and precious in the middle of something awful.  The pictures are amazing and Grace is so beautiful.  I will share some pictures with the next few posts.

Long fingers just like her Mom.

My Dad watching over me and Grace

Grace outside in the sunshine with her loving parents


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Sick Hubby

So my husband is sick.  He is the most difficult sick person ever and is trying my patience.  He wanted me to take him to the doctor, okay that is reasonable.  I hate that office since I was there 2 weeks before Grace died with the stomach flu and then a week after she died with mastitis.  Of course there is a woman in the waiting room with a 4 week old baby, just about what Grace would have been.  I just wanted to curl into a ball and sob.   And at the end of all that he drove both ways and really didn't even need me there.

I feel bad that I am short with him, but he won't do anything I recommend.  He won't drink fluids, he won't try to eat anything, he just wants medication after medication.  I guess that I am also afraid that something bad will happen to him too and then I will be all alone.

I wish that Grace were here.  If I could just have my baby everything else would be manageable.  I think about her sweet face and wonder what color her eyes were beneath those eyelids.  I think about her feet, just like mine with the second toe longer than the first.  She would have been tall like me, she was already 17 1/2 inches at 32 weeks.  She would have been the most amazing person, I just know it.  She changed my life just being pregnant with her, she would have changed so many others if she could have lived.

Monday, March 5, 2012

First Support Group Meeting

Today was my first full day back at work.  It was busy so I did not have much time to feel sad.  There were times when it would hit me so hard that Grace was gone.  I would be doing something, like bending over, which would have been so hard when I was pregnant and now I could do it easily.  I would almost start to cry that she was gone and never coming back, but I would keep it together since there were generally clients around.

Then I rushed home so that we could go to our first support group meeting.  It was at Banner Desert Hospital.  I have never been afraid of hospitals, but I was very uncomfortable going in there.  There was a class for expectant parents down the hall and I wanted so badly to be going to that class, not the support group for babylost parents.

I think that the group was more helpful for my husband.  He is not a computer guy, so the solace and comfort that I have found online at glow in the woods and other websites he has not had.  This was his first time hearing the stories of other families and I think that it helped him achieve some peace.  So many of the women at the group were single, their children's fathers having left them when they needed them the most.  So many had incompassionate medical care, or even worse poor medical care.  I did not find the healing that I have online, but it did make me even more grateful for my wonderful husband and the excellent, caring doctors and nurses that cared for me throughout my pregnancy, but especially during the labor and delivery.

Tonight I will go to bed missing my Grace, but grateful for the many gifts I have in my life.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

3 weeks ago I held Grace

Darling baby,

Three weeks ago today I held you for the first and last times.  You felt so perfect in my arms, it was so natural to hold you and smell your wonderful baby smell and kiss your impossibly soft skin.  I could have stayed in that moment forever.  I miss you so much.  I don't cry as often as I did, but the missing you is constant.

I hope so much for you to have a little brother or sister, not to replace you, that could never happen, but to add to our family.  Even if you could be here with us I think that I would have wanted more children.  I used to think that you could plan and make everything perfect if you worked hard enough.  I have learned, in a very hard life lesson, that is not true.  I invite the chaos and spontaneity of life, and I think that children are part of that.  I was afraid before, but I am not any more.

I wish that I could dream of you when I sleep, I day dream about you all the time, but my mother and father have both had night time dreams about you and they were wonderful.  My Dad, your Grandpa, says that he never remembers his dreams, but he remembered the one he had of you.  You were at Nana and Pop-Pop's house crawling on the floor, playing and Nana was there.  Dad was there too and since both you and Nana were dead in life, but wonderfully alive in this dream, he said that someone should pinch him so he would know that he was not dreaming and then he awoke.

Are you with Nana?  Are you in heaven with all the amazing people who I have known that are no longer with us?  Have you reincarnated?  Where is your soul?  I wish that I knew... that I had the faith that I would see you again and hold you again and get to be your mother forever.

You Dad is having a hard day today.  He misses you so much as well.  I feel bad for him since I could feel you moving and growing inside me and he could only feel you kick and move sometimes.  He wanted you so badly, and loved you so much.  Being your parents made us better people.  He says that you are his spiritual core now.  I don't completely understand what he means by that, but it moves me deeply.  I wish that I could make his grief easier, but I can't.  We will continue to love and support each other, you have brought us so close together that was such a gift that you gave us.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

The Death Certificate

Grace's death certificate came in the mail today.  I was not expecting it and I really broke down while reading it.  Her cause of death was listed as hypoxia... lack of oxygen.  Oh baby, I am so sorry.  I wish that there was something I could have done to stop this.  I wish that you could have had a life outside of my body.  I hope that you didn't hurt.  Missing you so much.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Linea Negra

There are these dark lines that can form on pregnant women's bellies, they call them linea negra.  I used to think that they were ugly and hoped I would not get any.  Then I was pregnant with Grace and I developed one.  I did not think it was ugly, but figured that it would fade after I gave birth.  Now I treasure that line as the last visible reminder of my pregnancy.  I am so worried that it will fade.  My husband loves the line as well, like a Grace was here marker.  My DH took a picture of it for me today, just in case it starts to fade.



Grace you were here in my womb and now you are here in my heart.  I love you so much and miss you so much.  Thinking of you always baby girl.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Name Necklace

Grace's name necklace came today.  I was so excited for it to come.  It is so beautiful!  I feel so connected to my baby when wearing her name around my neck.  I will post a photo of it tomorrow, for tonight I just want to wear it and feel the closeness.



It was my first day back at work, just a half day, but at work nonetheless. The staff don't know what to say to me, everyone seems afraid of me so they act like nothing has happened.  For today it was a welcome break from all the grieving.  I did a dental with an extraction on an older cat and I did a really good job.  It felt good to be using my skills and talent to help that cat.

The drive to and from work was the hardest part.  I had to pass Banner Gateway, the hospital where I had Grace.  I had tears streaming down my face while on the freeway.  I used to tell Grace that she would be born there when I was pregnant, and before I was pregnant I would always say to myself that is where I will have my baby someday.

It is getting easier to focus on the amazing memories I have of being pregnant and the incredible miracle that her birth was and not the gut wrenching pain of losing her.  I hope that continues since she was the most amazing experience of my life and I never want to lose sight of that.

The husband and I are planning more gardening projects for the weekend to keep busy.  It helps to be busy.

Missing you baby, thinking of you always... Mom