3 weeks ago I held Grace

Darling baby,

Three weeks ago today I held you for the first and last times.  You felt so perfect in my arms, it was so natural to hold you and smell your wonderful baby smell and kiss your impossibly soft skin.  I could have stayed in that moment forever.  I miss you so much.  I don't cry as often as I did, but the missing you is constant.

I hope so much for you to have a little brother or sister, not to replace you, that could never happen, but to add to our family.  Even if you could be here with us I think that I would have wanted more children.  I used to think that you could plan and make everything perfect if you worked hard enough.  I have learned, in a very hard life lesson, that is not true.  I invite the chaos and spontaneity of life, and I think that children are part of that.  I was afraid before, but I am not any more.

I wish that I could dream of you when I sleep, I day dream about you all the time, but my mother and father have both had night time dreams about you and they were wonderful.  My Dad, your Grandpa, says that he never remembers his dreams, but he remembered the one he had of you.  You were at Nana and Pop-Pop's house crawling on the floor, playing and Nana was there.  Dad was there too and since both you and Nana were dead in life, but wonderfully alive in this dream, he said that someone should pinch him so he would know that he was not dreaming and then he awoke.

Are you with Nana?  Are you in heaven with all the amazing people who I have known that are no longer with us?  Have you reincarnated?  Where is your soul?  I wish that I knew... that I had the faith that I would see you again and hold you again and get to be your mother forever.

You Dad is having a hard day today.  He misses you so much as well.  I feel bad for him since I could feel you moving and growing inside me and he could only feel you kick and move sometimes.  He wanted you so badly, and loved you so much.  Being your parents made us better people.  He says that you are his spiritual core now.  I don't completely understand what he means by that, but it moves me deeply.  I wish that I could make his grief easier, but I can't.  We will continue to love and support each other, you have brought us so close together that was such a gift that you gave us.