Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Cookies and Milk

I baked cookies today for the first time since Grace died.  I like to bake, I find it relaxing.  I do it as often as I can.  My husband and I regularly take baked goods to work since we cannot eat all of what I make.  I bake all kinds of things: bread, pies, brownies, cakes, but cookies are my favorite.  There are so many varieties, I have lists of types that I would like to make.  I rarely make the same kind twice, unless my husband puts in a request.  He did actually ban me from baking for about 4 months last year, he thought he was gaining weight.  It did not work out well for him since I started making sorbets and ice creams, since they did not involve the oven.  By the way the key to my husband's heart is blackberry sorbet with vanilla ice cream.

I made chocolate cookies with peanut butter chips the week before Grace died.  They were a childhood favorite that I had not had in years and had never made.  I was craving them.  I had picked out the type of cookie I would make next, oatmeal scotchies.  I was on this diet for our Bradley birthing classes, you had to eat 75-100 mg of protein, 4 servings of whole grains, 4 servings of dairy, 2 eggs, 2 servings of green vegetables, 3 healthy fats, 1 regular vegetable, 1 fruit and 1 source of vitamin C daily.  I was having troubles getting all of those things every day.  The whole grains were hard since they were so filling and I had so many other things to eat.  So I decided that I could get my whole grains in cookies.  I never had a chance to make them for my baby.

I wonder what kind of cookies would have been her favorite: chocolate chip, orange marmalade, apricot thumbprints, apeas, sugar cookies?  I would have made all of those and more for her, we would have made them together.

Her feet held in our hands.  Her feet just like mine.


  1. I have come over here from GITW. I have felt shy about commenting, about participating in this community, but I really wanted to say how beautiful all your photos are; lovely, lovely girl your Grace. I think we must have had similar due dates - my daughter was due March 29, stillborn at 29 weeks on January 14. I will be thinking of you in the next few weeks.

    1. Thank you I think that the photographer captured such amazing images, his name is Larry Reeves and he came for free. Our due dates were very close, mine was April 13th. I will be thinking of you as well, especially as the end of the month draws near.

      PS Daffodils are some of my favorite flowers

  2. Grace's mom,
    I'm sorry you're not getting a chance to bake cookies for and with your lil sweetie. I'm sure she would have loved cookies with you.
    And, yes, thanks so much for sharing your beautiful photos of Grace. They are gorgeous.

  3. Hello, Grace's Mom.
    I don't even know how I came to find you now, following the comments/blogs of other BLMs (an acronym I only recently learned), but I've heard about you through By The Brooke's author. Our stories are quite similar - we started in 2006, infertility treatments with 2 failed IVFs in 2007, moving to int'l adoption by early 2009 only to learn of our own miracle baby by natural conception two weeks after getting on the list. Our Anna died a day short of 39 weeks after having been in the hospital all day to be induced due to low amniotic fluid. A story to tell later, if you ever wish to hear. It's been 2 years and nearly 3 months, and we still miss her fervently, every day.
    I thought we had to be truly amongst the unluckiest people in all the world. Who has ever heard of losing a healthy child after a perfect pregnancy - a miracle pregnancy at that - after years of infertility?! But here you are. I believe Finding My New Normal's blog has a similar story as well. It doesn't make me feel better about what's happened to any of us, but at least I don't feel (as much) like the Devil himself is running the show.
    I see you live in AZ - I used to, too, and actually will be visiting beginning next Thursday March 22 in the Tucson/Phoenix area. As I've begun to create relationships with other broken-hearted women through these blogs, I've found I wished so badly we lived in the same town, I've connected so with what they say and feel. I know this blog is new (and it makes me angry just to say it - that it's happened again, such a beautiful, beautiful little girl from a family who wanted her so so much) and we haven't had a chance to 'get to know each other', as it were...but if you'd like to connect while I'm in AZ...just say the word. Those first weeks and months, the first year...they are truly hell on earth.
    You can contact me at juliekserena@hotmail.com, if you wish. My blog is currently private, something I'm considering changing, but you can't 'find' me through it.
    Meanwhile...I'm so very sorry for what you're living through. Your Grace is precious. I love her pictures. (I did that too, doled them out little by little, knowing we had a finite number. Bleah.) I don't know how you had the where-with-all to put this together in the wake of her loss, bc I already had mine up and running in anticipation of sharing Anna with friends and family, but I also know what a lifeline blogging has been.
    Thank you for sharing yourself, and sweet Grace with us all.