Today was my first full day back at work. It was busy so I did not have much time to feel sad. There were times when it would hit me so hard that Grace was gone. I would be doing something, like bending over, which would have been so hard when I was pregnant and now I could do it easily. I would almost start to cry that she was gone and never coming back, but I would keep it together since there were generally clients around.
Then I rushed home so that we could go to our first support group meeting. It was at Banner Desert Hospital. I have never been afraid of hospitals, but I was very uncomfortable going in there. There was a class for expectant parents down the hall and I wanted so badly to be going to that class, not the support group for babylost parents.
I think that the group was more helpful for my husband. He is not a computer guy, so the solace and comfort that I have found online at glow in the woods and other websites he has not had. This was his first time hearing the stories of other families and I think that it helped him achieve some peace. So many of the women at the group were single, their children's fathers having left them when they needed them the most. So many had incompassionate medical care, or even worse poor medical care. I did not find the healing that I have online, but it did make me even more grateful for my wonderful husband and the excellent, caring doctors and nurses that cared for me throughout my pregnancy, but especially during the labor and delivery.
Tonight I will go to bed missing my Grace, but grateful for the many gifts I have in my life.
The time when we knew Eva was being cremated was just about the worst time there was. My husband placed her in the crematorium. I wished we hadn't seen that...but we wanted to see and know it all...every tiny bit we could squeeze out. Nobody ever wants to place their child in an oven knowing that when that door is opened again the only thing left will be a pile of ashes. I imagined and felt so much during that time...it's impossible to remember that our children are dead. They are not feeling the searing heat. My Eva and your Grace are no longer here...they are dancing on the streets of gold...but I'd do anything to have them here, dancing on regular pavement and gravel.
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