Had a small break down last night. I was trying to do my self hypnosis cd homework for hypnotherapy, and everything just kept going wrong. Mark pissed me off by something stupid he said, one of the cats kept jumping on me while I was trying to relax, then the pit bull jumped on me. I started yelling and swearing at the dog, she jumped off the bed and looked really scared and then I just started bawling. Deep, snotty, racking sobs for my difficulty getting pregnant, for losing Grace, for everything. Mark held me while a cried it all out.
It all started at work. A co-worker just had her son's 1 year birthday party on Saturday. They live in a small condo and people were asking if they had room for all of his new toys. She said that it was tight, but they were going to give away a lot of his infant stuff to make room. Then the question came up if they should save any for future babies. She said "no I am not going to do this again, too much work!" They she said "well I told my husband we can think about it for a few more years, but after I turn 35 if we want more kids we will adopt." I know that she was not trying to be mean, I know that she never meant to hurt me with her words, but she did. I am now 36 and trying for another baby, adopting is not where I am.
Also since I stopped charting I am now obsessing over my underwear every time I go to the bathroom looking for signs of my period starting. I have been cramping slightly and I am certainly emotional, so I will probably start my period in a few days. Shit, shit, shit.