Sunday, August 12, 2012

Half Year Birthday

Today is Grace's half year birthday.  Six months have elapsed since I held her little body in my arms and smelled her wonderful smell, and heard my heart break into a million, billion pieces.  How can it possibly be so long ago?  Her life permeates my existence.  My husband calls her his personal deity.  She is the greatest experience of my life, and the saddest.  I wish that she were here crawling, sitting up, trying solid foods, teething and all the other fun adventures of those who measure their lives in months.  Instead she is in a heart shaped urn, wrapped in soft pink fabric and tied around the bear the hospital gave me to hold while I labored to bring her still body into this world.  The unfairness of it all has not changed in the 6 months since my heart broke and my dreams of motherhood shattered.

I replaced the necklace that I lost on the beach in Hawaii threefold.  Two of the Grace necklaces have arrived, I wore them both today.  We gave money to the church my husband has been attending today in her name.  We lit a candle for her at church.  I bought items for a homeless shelter today and will give them in her name.  I am doing my best to parent her memory, to let the unspeakable goodness of her spirit sing in this world even if her body is silent.

Some Native American cultures believe in spirit animals: they believe you have an animal that leads you through difficult times and guides you.  I love this idea.  I have been trying to decide what my spirit animal is.  I have narrowed it down to two animals.  The first being a Hawaiian green gecko.  We have seen them on our last 2 trips to Hawaii, they symbolize good luck.  The other is an owl.  An owl was the animal on April of my Calendar, the one that Grace's due date was happily circled on.  They remind me of Grace, wise beyond their years, smart and otherworldly.  While thinking about all of this I realized something amazing.  I have a spirit guide... my beautiful spirit baby.  I feel her near me everyday and I know that she has led me to embrace acupuncture and hypnotherapy, to heal my heart and body in ways I never would have considered before.  I know that she will lead me to bring another baby or babies into this world.  I know that she will help me become a kinder person, a more whole and complete person.  I know that she was born of the deep love Mark and I have for one another and that anything created out of that love knows no boundries, certainly nothing as small as death.

Please think of my baby girl tonight and think of an act of Grace, no matter how big or small, to perform tomorrow that will bring some of her goodness back into our world.

Spirit Animal?

My spirit guide, my darling, my Grace.


  1. Dear Amanda,
    6 months is so awfully hard. So awfully awful. I'm so sorry your wee Grace isn't here and learning to eat solid food and cooing and smiling at you. I know 6 months just about killed me. How is it possible that I was able to breathe for half a year without my sweetheart...and yet here I am hitting 1 year in a couple of days, and still breathing. Unbelievable.
    Sending you love and light my dear.

  2. Tomorrow is Wiley's half year birthday. I can't believe that much time has passed and that I'm still here somehow.
    Thinking of you! Grace looks beautiful in her picture!

  3. I know this is an old post but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing Grace's photo. She is so beautiful and I'm sorry she isn't here with you doing all the things a 6 month old should do.