Thursday, August 9, 2012

Surrendering to the Process

I had my first session with a hypnotherapist yesterday who specializes in fertility.  She is also a licensed psychologist so we spent the entire session just talking.  Next time actual hypnosis.  I cried a lot during the session.  The grief is so close to the surface lately, bubbling over at the slightest provocation, and talking about my fertility, Grace and other issues in my life that cause me stress was hard.  We talked a lot about giving myself over to the conception process, by stopping BBT and fertility monitors and surrendering to the conception process.  Isn't it strange that surrender and giving up look very similar, but are completely different at the same time?

This letting go stuff is so hard though.  I am pretty sure that this will be my last cycle with the fertility monitor for a while, both my acupuncturist and hypnotherapist have suggested this and I do get really anxious waiting for the results every morning so it makes sense.  The BBT though, wow I am not sure if I am ready for that.  I will take things a step at a time for now.

We also talked about what meaning I have for why Grace died, where Grace is and what I learned from her.  I like to think that we all have a purpose and once we have fulfilled that purpose our life is complete.  Grace , I believe, was meant to know the purest love, to never to be cold, or alone, to be enveloped in joy every minute of her life.  She had all that, never was there a baby loved more than her, never had a baby brought so much joy to her parents, so her spirit was ready to leave.  I don't know where she is right now, but I feel her with me all the time.

My therapist says that maybe Grace's spirit is trying to return to me, or perhaps lead a new soul to me to parent.  I love that idea.

Patience and surrender, not my strong suits, but if that is what I need to let Grace's sibling into our lives then that is what I will strive to do.

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