My grief has for the most part leveled off. I carry it with me all the time, but it does not crush me as often as it used to. Our journey to conceive again is usually what sets me off and then of course I find that sadness is inextricably linked to Grace. For those of you familiar with BBT charting the following will make sense. I had a temp drop this morning, 0.4 degrees and I am either 8 dpo or 10 dpo. It was a crappy start to my day.
I spent the first 20 minutes telling myself my temp was still above the coverline and therefore not indicative of impending menstruation. Then a good 10 minutes wishing I had a medical professional to analyze my charts and magically tell me what I was doing wrong and why I was not pregnant. Then I just started crying. Why is it so hard for us to get pregnant? I have so much hope for every cycle and then it just gets crushed at the end. I feel like a loser. And I miss my baby girl SOOOOO much. If she were here there would be no pressure to get pregnant again. Yes, we would have liked a second child, but it would be a relaxed experience because we had our miracle.
We went to a Memorial day cookout yesterday at the house of some people from church. They don't know about Grace, they just think we don't have children. The kids at this church are older, teenagers and such, so at least I am not around toddlers and little babies, but still Grace should have been there. She should have been in my arms, people should have been oohing and aahing over her sweet babyness. She should be with us always, not just in spirit.