Does anyone remember the SNL skit from the nineties called Deep Thoughts? I am probably dating myself horribly by even mentioning this! I was in junior high and the first few years of high school when it was on. They would have this gentle music playing and a serene back ground and then a voice over with some idea that seemed profound at first and would reveal itself as ridiculous later. I found most of them completely hilarious.
Now I have been having many deep thoughts lately. About Grace. About life. About TTC. They seem very profound, but I reserve the right to find them completely ridiculous in a few months, or moments.
Not getting pregnant this cycle really hurt. I think that I was still under the idea that it would be easier to get pregnant now that I have had a child. That my body would have "learned" how to be pregnant and all my fertility issues would stay in the past. It dawned on me that I have spent the better part of the last 3 years thinking about my reproductive status. I have been depressed and unhappy and always looking to the future to be healed, instead of healing myself. Grace was the greatest adventure of my life, and I wish that she were still with me with every fiber of my being, but I need to see what were my motives for motherhood? I wanted to experience life again through a child. I wanted to heal the wounds and disappointments of my childhood, by giving my baby the "perfect" childhood. I wanted a little piece of immortality, by having someone who would remember me when I am gone.
I may not have another child. I hope for one and dream of one, but I may not have one. How can I heal myself and fulfill the motivations for motherhood without one? I have decided that I need to live life. Grace did not get to have a life outside of my womb. I need to make sure that I really LIVE to honor her loss. I need to not place the burden of my happiness on a baby, but instead have joy independent of a child.
It is not about the destination, it's all about the journey, the ride. It is all about the ride we call life and I am starting it now. No more waiting. No more excuses. I am doing it for Grace, and I am doing it for me.
See Deep Thoughts.
Amanda, I too, try to live for Eva. It is a hard road. I look at my children and think, well, maybe this is it. Maybe we will never have another. What is my motivation to have another baby? Just too have some healing from the wrenching loss of losing Eva or do I really want another. Truth is I don't even know. I know I want want want Eva but I will never hold her again this side of Heaven. Another baby will not be Eva, I do know that. Do I need to be healed? Will a baby help to heal me? Or, really, is it okay that my youngest living child just turned 3 and he doesn't have a little sister. Is it okay to grow old with 3 sons and never have the daughter I desired so much. Okay, this is getting long...so many Deep Thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI used to feel that way sometimes, before Anna's death more-or-less defeated me completely. All hail to you, if you can keep that perspective at the forefront, Amanda. It strikes me as a moment on the extreme of a continuum - but at least you have it ON your continuum!! Which in and of itself is an enormous accomplishment and strength.
ReplyDeleteMy caution would be to allow yourself to travel the continuum, have days that all you want to do is scream for Grace, days that all you want is to be pregnant, days where What Is Today is just fine, and days that allow for a future of fulfillment - with or without children.
Deep Thought days are good for replenishing the soul. :)