Does anyone remember the SNL skit from the nineties called Deep Thoughts? I am probably dating myself horribly by even mentioning this! I was in junior high and the first few years of high school when it was on. They would have this gentle music playing and a serene back ground and then a voice over with some idea that seemed profound at first and would reveal itself as ridiculous later. I found most of them completely hilarious.
Now I have been having many deep thoughts lately. About Grace. About life. About TTC. They seem very profound, but I reserve the right to find them completely ridiculous in a few months, or moments.
Not getting pregnant this cycle really hurt. I think that I was still under the idea that it would be easier to get pregnant now that I have had a child. That my body would have "learned" how to be pregnant and all my fertility issues would stay in the past. It dawned on me that I have spent the better part of the last 3 years thinking about my reproductive status. I have been depressed and unhappy and always looking to the future to be healed, instead of healing myself. Grace was the greatest adventure of my life, and I wish that she were still with me with every fiber of my being, but I need to see what were my motives for motherhood? I wanted to experience life again through a child. I wanted to heal the wounds and disappointments of my childhood, by giving my baby the "perfect" childhood. I wanted a little piece of immortality, by having someone who would remember me when I am gone.
I may not have another child. I hope for one and dream of one, but I may not have one. How can I heal myself and fulfill the motivations for motherhood without one? I have decided that I need to live life. Grace did not get to have a life outside of my womb. I need to make sure that I really LIVE to honor her loss. I need to not place the burden of my happiness on a baby, but instead have joy independent of a child.
It is not about the destination, it's all about the journey, the ride. It is all about the ride we call life and I am starting it now. No more waiting. No more excuses. I am doing it for Grace, and I am doing it for me.
See Deep Thoughts.