Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Worn Out

Sorry that I have been so quiet lately.  The Capture Your Grief project was really exhausting and trying to figure out how to make it through the holidays without Grace is weighing on me.  My grief has been really heavy lately, I miss her so much, the fact that this is my life without her just breaks me.  Then I feel so guilty for Baby Bear that he/she is coming into a world that is still so sad from losing Grace.  Then I get terrified that there is something wrong with Baby Bear, that they will die too.  Last night I started coughing and I was terrified I had a cold and that would kill or harm the baby.  This morning I feel better and I think it was just a little cough from allergies, but I was so freaked out.

Today I have a full day of trying to deal with my emotions and be a good pregnant lady.  Acupuncture, followed by yoga, then lunch then hypnotherapy.  Lordy I am tired just thinking about it!  It is all stuff I need though so I will take it one thing at a time and get through it all.

M has decided to leave his job at the end of the school year.  He is burnt out and is unsupported my the administration and in our stupid state the voters again failed to support public education so the truth is the situation in the classrooms is just going to get worse.  He is starting to look (i.e. think about) what else he could do or where else he could teach, likely part time to help supplement my income, but not be so stressed out.  The whole situation scares me, but I know it is what he needs to do to be happy.  I am jealous too, since this means he will get to spend a lot more time with the baby than I do, which kinda sucks.  I guess it is better than a nanny or a day care spending the time with them.

We have started some traditions for Bear that we did not do for Grace.  We light Guardian Angel votive candles for the baby every Sunday night one for each month of pregnancy.  M also reads to the baby at night.  The first book was one I had on my registry for Grace, but then just bought for Bear, Babar and the Art Museum.  After we are through with that one M wants to read Moby Dick, but I told him no way!

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