Thursday, November 22, 2012

Can't Sleep

My mind races.... thinking about cases at work, my Mother, Baby Bear, Grace, everything.  My mind has run a marathon while my poor body aches for more rest.  It is Thanksgiving now, I am grateful I don't have to work, but I am bitter about so many other things.  I am bitter that I have had more than 9 months as a bereaved parent.  I am bitter that my Mother cannot be a support in my life.  I am bitter that I still care so damn much about my job, even though it feels like an abusive relationship most of the time.  I am bitter that I can have such vivid nightmares about Baby Bear dying, because I know how that feels.  I just want to get away from everything, like at a yoga retreat.  Just spend like 2 weeks on nothing but me and Baby Bear.

I am thankful for many things, of course: first and foremost Mark, Grace and Baby Bear, my little family is the world to me.  Friends that have stood by me during this year of grief and pain.  My dog for hanging in there for me at almost 14 she is such a light in my life and I still need her, so keep hanging in there girl!  I am thankful that for  the first time in 7 years I am not hosting Thanksgiving, and am only cooking 2 side dishes.  I do not have to worry about guests or getting the food ready all at the same time, or my family showing up hours late.  This holiday season is going to be so hard.  I know I need to pace myself and not have any expectations, but it is hard.  I have been running on this hamster wheel of perfectionism for so long getting off is a dizzying and disorientating experience.

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