So as of Friday I am 13 weeks pregnant with Baby Bear. We have started to tell people about Bear and they are happy for us and praying and hoping just like we are. I am starting to show just a little bit and my clothes, especially my jeans. The Christmas season is upon us and last year I had so many dreams about how this year would be. Of course they are just as shattered as my dreams of motherhood. Baby Bear has given us something to hope for again, but missing Grace never stops.
I have been trying to memorialize this pregnancy even more than I did with Grace's: we take short videos of every ultrasound, Mark reads to Bear almost every night, we have told more people about Bear at this stage of pregnancy than we had told about Grace and I am trying to journal and keep a pregnancy memory book. As much as I would like to say that this was for Bear to know how important he/she was to us, honestly it is for us, so if Bear dies we have a lot of memories and videos of his/her life. I would do anything to have a video of one of Grace's ultrasounds.
At the end of it all though I am tired and grieving and feel like I am not doing a very good job at anything. Not writing on this blog enough for Grace, not doing enough to keep myself healthy for Bear, not doing enough chores to help around the house, etc. I am trying to give myself a break, but I feel like I keep promising to do everything better.
We had an ultrasound last week and I was so scared. Scared that Bear would be dead. The nurse asked if I was nervous and I said yes, she did not even check for Bear's heartbeat with the Doppler and just went to get the doctor. I was even more scared then that this meant that she knew something and did not want to be the one to break the bad news. The doctor came and started the ultrasound and there Bear was, alive, heart beating, kicking up a storm. Then he measured Bear and Bear measured 13w 4d, but I am only 12w 4d. I am 3 inches taller than the average American woman, but my husband is an inch shorter than the average American man. So could it just be that Bear will be tall like me? Could it be that Bear is just ahead of some average growth curve and this is normal? My OB was not worried. I resisted the urge to google possible causes of long babies. What a mess. I keep reminding myself most babies live and are healthy... sometimes in helps.