I had a really hard appointment with my hypnotherapist today. She feels that my low grade depression and grief over losing Grace is negative for Baby Bear. She says that the baby feels my sadness and anxiety and does not understand it and could feel that it is directed in some way at him/her. It was hard to hear that grieving my sweet Grace could be bad for Baby Bear, but in a way I already knew this. The unfettered joy that I felt all through my pregnancy with Grace has been absent with Baby Bear's. I love Bear, I am so excited for this pregnancy, but it is different. I don't want it to be, I don't want Baby Bear to always be the baby that came after our loss, but that is the truth.
We did something called EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). You tap certain areas of your body while saying statements that you want to make stronger emotionally. The first dealt with losing Grace and all the sadness I felt. It is so hard because letting go of the sadness makes me feel like I am letting go of Grace, and I never want to let go. Next we dealt with my fears that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, something will happen to Baby Bear. I really don't feel like I am going to bring home a living baby in June. As my therapist said like I am Charlie Brown and Lucy is going to pull that football away at the last minute. I focused on being confident in Bear and myself. I visualized hearing Bear's first cry. I thought about how strong I was and how strong Bear was. We call the baby Bear because during my self hypnosis to boost my fertility I always saw myself walking in a forest by a stream and this filtered light would come through the trees. Who lives in the forest? Bears of course! I started thinking that my baby has such a strong spirit animal, a Bear, so my baby is going to be very strong. Also we both have Grace looking after us, like a guardian angel, so I know we are going to be okay.
Bear is strong, Bear will live. I am strong, I can be strong for my baby. We have the greatest, strongest, sweetest spirit in the world looking after us. I miss Grace and I love her so much, and as hard as it is I need to change my focus from my grief to baby Bear. It does not mean that I am forgetting her, I could never do that, she lives on forever in my heart, but I have to let my sadness go.