My mother called last night to yell at me. She was mad that I sent a Christmas card and letter to my godmother. She is mad at my godmother, for not being supportive enough to me after Grace died. I admit that my godmother did not call or e-mail or visit (although she lives on the other side of the country). She did send some nice cards. I was hoping for more, since my middle name is Ellen which is her name and Grace has my middle name. But she lost her son a few years ago. He shot himself in the head one night at her house, he was 30. He woke her up at midnight to say goodbye and apologize for what he was about to do, and then he went into his bedroom and killed himself. She has never been the same since. I have told my mother that perhaps losing her son and never really processing the grief has made it impossible for her to be close to us with our loss. I think that she gave what she could and I respect that. My mother does not. However she never told her best friend of 40 years this, she just did nothing.
So last night I get told I am disloyal and a bad daughter for sending a Christmas card to the woman I am named after. I should never communicate with someone who hurt my mother so badly. WTF I thought she was upset about how I was treated, now this is about her? I am not hurt. I will reach out to whomever I want at this crappy holiday season without my baby girl. I will tell whomever I want about Baby Bear. We need love and hope and prayers and faith right now and I will take it from any and all corners. I then got an earful about not driving 4 hours to see her Christmas Day (even though I work the day before and day after). Of course last week she told me she was spending the holiday with my brother by choice. Now I have abandoned her and am an ungrateful bitch. I told her I had a crappy day and could not talk to her anymore and hung up, which was true I have euthanized 9 animals in my last 2 shifts.
So today I am pissed and trying not to let this affect me, but it does. 36 years old and still wanting Mommy to love me, fat chance of that happening. My Dad calls around 1:30 pm, he found her in her bed minimally responsive and covered in vomit. He called 911. She is in the emergency room where they had to take measures to save her life. This is not the first time this has happened. She was in a medically induced coma for 2 days on a ventilator in 2005. She has been threatening to kill herself to me since I was 7 or 8. She has been treated for drug overdoses again and again. I have not cried at this news. I have no plans to drive to Tucson or take time off work for this. My heart is walled off and protected from this hurt. Maybe it will sink in later, I don't know. I have complete compassion fatigue for her and her drama. I don't know how to help and even if I did I am not sure I would have the energy to do so.