Thursday, December 20, 2012

How to be when your world is crashing?

My mother is off the ventilator and breathing on her own.  She is apparently aware of her surroundings and can remember taking too many pills yesterday.  I have spoken to her nurse, but not to her.  I have nothing left to give her.  I am a husk, a shell of who I was before and there is nothing left.  I have to take all my energy and put it towards my baby.  My world is crashing down, drama at work, serious illness with relatives, losing my health insurance in 1 year, financial concerns.... I want to be nurtured and feel safe and secure and I do not.  I feel like I am standing on quicksand and have no way to turn.

I know I need to make some changes.  I cannot live like this.  I cannot be pregnant like this.  I want to retreat into myself for a year, but I cannot.  I have financial responsibilities.  So what else can I do?

I know that I have to terminate my relationship with my mother.  It is painful to do so, but I cannot allow her mental illness to affect me this way.  I cannot allow her to hurt me and therefore hurt baby bear.  I need to find a new place to work.  I need a change, a different environment and I need to listen to my heart and spirit telling me it is time to move on.  These are scary things, but they have both come to hurt me and I need to protect myself and my baby.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Grace's mom - I'm so sorry for all this stress and worry. I don't have anywhere near the degree of family drama you are experiencing, but I do know very well the feeling of being trapped by work and financial responsibilities. R and I are both in that place and I have such strong, strong feelings of wishing for a more peaceful place for us so that we can pay more attention to this pregnancy. I know it is not the same - but I recognize some of your words so well. I wish there was something to say that would help. But, I am thinking of you and of Baby Bear and, of course, of Grace. One thing I am trying to remember is that babies survive all sorts of REALLY terrible pregnancies, that although OUR babies died, most babies are okay under much worse circumstances than we are now providing Baby Bear and new baby with: we are good mothers and though we cannot dedicate every ounce of our attention and energy toward the perfect pregnancy, they are also already their own little selves, growing and changing in their own ways. I don't know if this helps you, but I need to tell it to myself over and over because there is just now way I can give as much to this pregnancy as my heart thinks it deserves. There is so much pressure on babylost mothers to be perfect and it is absolutely impossible. We do what we can, with love and the best intentions and that is motherhood. OK: I will stop rambling and just say I'm here, listening, hoping for you and Baby Bear, and wishing things will settle down for you or that you will find the path out and to a better place.