My mother is off the ventilator and breathing on her own. She is apparently aware of her surroundings and can remember taking too many pills yesterday. I have spoken to her nurse, but not to her. I have nothing left to give her. I am a husk, a shell of who I was before and there is nothing left. I have to take all my energy and put it towards my baby. My world is crashing down, drama at work, serious illness with relatives, losing my health insurance in 1 year, financial concerns.... I want to be nurtured and feel safe and secure and I do not. I feel like I am standing on quicksand and have no way to turn.
I know I need to make some changes. I cannot live like this. I cannot be pregnant like this. I want to retreat into myself for a year, but I cannot. I have financial responsibilities. So what else can I do?
I know that I have to terminate my relationship with my mother. It is painful to do so, but I cannot allow her mental illness to affect me this way. I cannot allow her to hurt me and therefore hurt baby bear. I need to find a new place to work. I need a change, a different environment and I need to listen to my heart and spirit telling me it is time to move on. These are scary things, but they have both come to hurt me and I need to protect myself and my baby.