Storms

It doesn't rain much here in the desert, but when it does we can have the most spectacular storms.  The sky will go from blue to dark in an hour and then it will rain like the moisture can get out of the clouds fast enough for 15 minutes and then as soon as it started it will end.  I was meditating this morning and my mind went from a calm blue sky to dark and foreboding in seconds, just like a desert storm.  So much grief, so much loss are within me.  Missing my baby, missing my innocent joy about being a parent, worries about the ability to conceive again... everything came crashing down on me.  Plus my cycle is back in full force and I am sure that my menstrual hormones are not helping anything, although truth is I cry frequently anyway so maybe it is unfair to blame my hormones.

Then more emotional storms at grief counselling this afternoon with Mark.  It was a hard session, hard, but I think productive.  Mark and I generally get along really well, but since Grace's death we have had some spectacular fights.  We both apologize and move forward usually within 24 hours of the fight.  The same thing happened after our fight Monday night - I promised not to use the word infertility to describe our past issues with conception, he wants me to say fertility problems or issues, but never infertility.  He said that he did not deny our issues and was open to trying natural aids and supplements to boost our chances.  I thought that we had worked through the issue, I was wrong.  It all came up in therapy today.

Our counsellor said that we both talk about things to intellectually and that we need to tell each other what we are feeling.  Then the other person needs to really listen and validate the others feelings before describing what they are feeling.  It feels like such an imprecise way to communicate, but at least in session it really seemed to work.  Mark said that with our fertility issues and then Grace dying he feels powerless, and when I say that we have infertility he feels like our chances for conceiving again are hopeless.  He says that all we have power over is the words we use to describe our situation, so although for me it is semantics to use fertility problems vs infertility to him it makes a huge emotional difference. That made me understand where he was coming from much better.  I told him that I get mixed messages from him since he claims that I am the one who is negative about our future chances, yet when I bring ideas and research to him for helping boost our chances he often shuts me out.  What he didn't realize is all my research and time spent thinking about how to get pregnant are my way of being positive.  I also told him about the mantra I say to myself when I start to feel negativity about conception; I say to myself "I will be pregnant again, I WILL be pregnant again, I will have more children."

I have realized in the past week how much grief and loss I felt the past few years while trying to conceive.  I never dealt with those emotions in a meaningful away, I buried them deep and got ready for the next cycle of trying.  Once I got pregnant with Grace all that grief disappeared, once I lost her it all came roaring back.  So it looks like I will be in therapy for a while dealing with the loss of my beautiful baby, but also all the monthly losses from two years of trying to conceive.  Oh well it is better than talking about my issues with my mother....

So I leave your tonight feeling more raw then I have in a while, but also understanding my husband more, and feeling more connected to him.  Say it with me: I will be pregnant again, I WILL be pregnant again.  I will have more children.  Thank you all for reading and caring.

Me at 27 weeks... how I will be again someday.