Monday, April 2, 2012


Well I think that my cycle has finally returned.  As others have said it is very confusing.  I had this ridiculous hope that I would get pregnant again so quickly that I would not get a period again.  Stupid I know, but hey that is what denial is all about.

My hubby is also having his fair share of denial about our history of infertility.  He just says oh we don't have infertility, we had a pregnancy.  I am so scared about never having another pregnancy and his not acknowledging our fertility issues just hurts me so much.  I am trying to stay positive about our chances in the future, but I know that it will likely not be easy.  I need him to be positive, but not deny our history.

We went to support group tonight and it was not good.  The group was not a good mix of people for us.  Half the group were teen mothers.  I am not denying their loss, it is real and deep and horrid, but different than my loss.  One girl claimed to not even know she was pregnant until she went into labor with a full term 9 lb stillborn baby.  I guess denial does not have age limits.  We needed a more mature group whose experiences were more like our own and we got the still birth episode of 16 and pregnant.  Then we came home and fought.  I could feel it in the air as we left the hospital.  He was unhappy about group.  I told him that we don't have to go back, but he would not leave it alone.  I know he is hurting and he is not getting his grief out.  I keep trying to find ways to help him, but I think that I am going to take a rest from that and focus on me.  He needs to take care of his own grief for a while.

Well off to try and sleep.  We shall see if tomorrow brings my period in full force or if today's spotting was implantation bleeding -- see denial dies hard.


  1. Amanda, that group sounds so difficult. The stillbirth episode of 16 and pregnant. Wow.
    I just want to say ask if you and your husband are seeing a grief counsellor together. I can honestly say that, for us, seeing a grief counsellor together and apart probably saved our marriage.
    Thinking of you tonight.

  2. Amanda,

    I wish there was a better group you could attend. We are attending a group and it is going well but I think that is because the couples are so similar to us and their stories are similar.
    My husband and I have big blow outs too and I know it is just our grief coming out. We are always sorry afterward but sometimes it is hard to forget all the things that have been said.
    We too thought about counselling but we agreed we would do one thing at a time. First the support group and then counselling after that. I just didn't think we have the energy to do both.
    I am thinking about you all the time and I am staying your mantra right along with you for you and for me.