Easter is tomorrow and I am trying not to think about it. I have ignored it all week, not made plans to cook anything, no desserts, no egg dying, no pastel colored candies, no chocolate bunnies, nothing. Last year I did all those things and thought about the traditions I would like to start with a child and how wonderful all the holidays would be to see them through the eyes of a child. I was so excited about this year since I was supposed to be super pregnant, be giving birth or have a tiny infant by now. Of course none of those things is my reality now. So my plan is to ignore Easter. Very adult and mature of me, don't you agree?
My counsellor says that I need to say what I am actually thinking to people more. Since I tend to get pissed off about things, but never confront people. Today I did. The head receptionist at my work is a nice person and a great employee, and a new mother. She had her baby in August 2011, we were pregnant for the same time for a while, although I had not announced anything yet since I was so early in my pregnancy. She loves her child, but I am not sure that she loves being a mother. She complains a lot about how much work the baby is and how her husband is no help. I am sure that it is incredibly hard, but I don't want to hear about it, my baby is dead. I would not sleep for a month if I could have my baby. I would do anything to have my baby back. Her husband does seem like he is little to no help. Yesterday she had to leave work early since her baby was crying and the husband could not deal with it. This morning he calls her and wants her to come home again to deal with the screaming baby. She said no and advised that if he was worried something was wrong with the baby to take him to the pediatrician. He said that he wanted her to take the baby to the doctor. I got so mad, I could feel the fury oozing out my pores. I just looked at her and suggested that her husband should call mine, since we would rather have a screaming baby than a dead baby. She looked like I had slapped her and I walked away. Grace died just 8 weeks ago and have people forgotten that? Do I have to be such a bitch to remind people that I am broken and grieving?
I hate being this way, but my heart is broken and nothing really matters without Grace.
Oh, I really feel for you. At 8 weeks out, any little thing would set me off and send me to such a place of sadness and deep grief. I also tend to not say things to people and then think about them afterwards. You were brave to say something in the moment! And I think it's perfectly ok to ignore Easter this year!
ReplyDeleteSome people are such morons and you have every right to lash out. People who bitch and moan about their children always did my head in, and our Grace's passing has only aggravated my intolerance. 8 weeks out my pregnant friend sat across a dinner table from me, cigarette in one hand, glass of wine in the other and told us all how wished this pregnancy were over because 'it's just inconvenient'. I was so gobsmacked that I didn't say a word. Now, she is just a week or two away from meeting her 'inconvenient' son.
ReplyDeleteWill be thinking of you, your husband and your precious Grace this Friday. XX.