Fairy Wings

Friday was hard, I was sad and missing Grace so much.  My office manager gave me a gift at the end of the day.  She had this little fairy outfit made for Grace when I was pregnant, it has wings, a tutu, a hat and a headband.  It is adorable.  She wasn't sure if she should still give it to me or not, but I am so glad that she did.  I am so glad that Grace still gets presents.  Oh I so wish that I could have seen her in her fairy outfit.

Her wings

Headband, wings and tutu

Hat for when the headband is too small

I am sad that she is starting to seem less and less real to me.  She seems like this amazing dream, and not a real baby.  I wish that I could hold her again, kiss her and smell her wonderful smell.  I wish that she was here right now crying and keeping me up at night.

We are starting to try again for another baby.  Not a replacement for my darling girl, but another chance to parent a living child.  It seems callous to try again so soon, but we are not getting any younger and had such a long hard road to conceive Grace.  I have been reading and researching fertility, and have found that we made some mistakes on our previous journey.  I did not educate myself enough about conception, I trusted doctors too much and test sticks and I was too stressed.  This time I will not fall down that rabbit hole again.  Grace has given me a confidence in my body that I never had before.  We can do this, we did with her and she was perfect and amazing.  I hope that she knows how she completely changed my life and that no matter how many other children we may have, she will always be my first born, my special, perfect little girl.