It has been a while since I posted... it was just a long week and I was tired. I feel like two completely different people right now, maybe even three. There is the grieving mother, trying to learn how to be without her baby, how to honor her baby and parent her memory. There is the hopeful, trying to be centered, woman trying to conceive again, taking her temperature daily, peeing on test sticks, checking cervical fluid, reading books about fertility. And finally the professional woman focused on your pet's health, being emotionally supportive and sensitive to your needs while ensuring that we provide the best care you can afford for your pet. Ugh, all three of me sound exhausting. Crap I just thought of a fourth woman: the caring wife, daughter and granddaughter making sure that everyone is okay and has everything that they need.
The part of me that is Grace's Mom just misses her so much. I read "Finding Hope When a Child Dies" this week. It had some excellent points about how we in our Judeo-Christian society lack appropriate language and coping skills to effectively deal with child loss. How we tend to feel an overwhelming guilt about our loss, and how that is not a productive way to be. Then it examines other cultures and how they deal with child loss: reincarnation, destiny, Spiritualist cities, mischievous spirits that displace our real children's souls in the womb, etc. The finally it looks at us as initiates into a special society of child loss and through that initiation we can grow and become more powerful. There were some ideas that made me feel better, the idea that this was Grace's destiny and there was nothing that I could have done to change her fate. Maybe she was just meant to be a little baby, bring great joy to her parents and be so deeply loved. Maybe that was all her little soul needed and we gave it to her and she could move on to something else, something better. I also crave the idea that she will come back to us, but am not sure that would be healthy for a subsequent child for me to think that they are Grace's soul returning to us. All in all I found the book more an interesting concept, but not hugely helpful to me.
The TTC (trying to conceive) woman has been through highs and lows this week. My cycle is way wonky and very long this time. Plus since it is my first using BBT (basal body temperature) charting and the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor it is stressful since everything is so new. I am meditating about fertility, eating healthy, performing modified Maya Arvigo massage and doing yoga. I have also been researching TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) practitioners in the area that I could start to work with to improve my fertility. I do feel more centered and it touch with my body than I have since I was pregnant, but then the Mom in me feels guilty that I am not thinking about Grace more and being sad more. If I could just have her warm little baby goodness with me and being TTC again wouldn't life be perfect?
The professional woman is doing okay. When things get to stressful at work the TTC woman yells at us and gets us to relax since no baby wants to start life in a stressed out body! So I am late to a few appointments? Honestly I have so little control over that it is not even funny, so let it go and do the best I can with that patient when I do finally get in there. Complaining clients? Well luckily I did not have any this week, but the other doctors did and I hate to see them stressed out. Plus half the time the complaining people are just unbalanced. One was complaining that our price on cat toothbrushes was 3 dollars more than Amazon.com. Okay so once you pay for shipping we are 1 dollar cheaper, but why are we really discussing 3 dollars in the first place? I try to remember that we deal with these people a few hours a year and they have to live with themselves all the time. Plus most of our clients are great, nice people, the jerks will just drown them out if you let them.
Lastly the family anchor. She had a tough week. Grandma wandered away from assisted living and was found at a business nearby and the police were called. The police contacted me and we came and took her home. It was scary since her assisted living did not even know that she was gone! She is now on more frequent room checks and we are talking about moving her to the memory care neighborhood (locked down 24 hours, no in or our without a code). It is way more expensive in the new neighborhood and I know that she would hate losing her freedom of movement so I am very torn, but most of all I need her to be safe. I wish that she could tell me why she wandered, but she can't remember. Another nice side story, when talking with the nurse at assisted living about what to do next she asked me how my baby was since she remembered that I must have just had a baby. I cried while doing it, but I told her that my daughter was stillborn.
So you can see why I am exhausted. Now off to church (need to shop for a priest for Grace's Memorial next month).