Monday, April 8, 2013

On the Edge

I have been having a really hard time lately.  This is the week of pregnancy when Grace died and I am just a mess.  I have been crying often, my mood is black most of the time and I am quick to anger.  I am expecting Bear to die at any time and then upset that she gets to love longer than Grace did.  Why did Grace have to die?  Is this all the time I will get to have with my second daughter?  Why can't my husband understand how hard this is for me?  Why is he such a jerk lately?  I need him to completely be there for me even with my crappy moods and tears.

Right now I yelled at him when I got home, he did not ask me how my day was, there was no dinner even planned much less ready when I got home and then I asked him about one of our dogs and he was a jerk.  This dog has been vomiting lately.  I think she is eating stuff in the back yard, since she still eats her dinner and never vomits that.  I even took her to work last week and took an X ray which was normal.  I just asked if she vomited today and he said yes, and I asked it it was on our comforter (like last time) he said no since I did not make the bed this morning.  Then I blew up at him, I make the bed every morning and the damn dog digs at the blankets and unmakes it.  It drives me nuts and now I am getting blamed for his stupid dog?  He never finished the laundry from yesterday it is draped all over the house since he can't fold the damn clothes.  There are messages on the machine that he checked and did not do anything about.  I am at my wits end and now he went to sleep in the guest room since his feelings are hurt and I am left to cook my own dinner after an 11 hour shift, feed the dogs and the cats and do all the night time chores.


Then I am reading the pregnancy thread I am a part of on a baby loss website and one of the mamas has a dangerously shortening cervix and doctors that won't do anything, and another just lost her rainbow for unknown reasons at 15 weeks.  My baby is alive, but I can't be happy about it right now, while all these other lovely women are losing their babies or their babies are in serious trouble, and I am just barely holding it together.

I feel like I am going crazy, my emotions are all over the place and I am losing it.  I am having all these body issues and fears about breastfeeding and caring for a newborn.  I was so prepared for Grace and then she died.  I am even more prepared for this baby and I could still bring home an urn and not a living baby.  Then if I do bring home a baby will I know how to take care of her?  Every option is terrifying and I am so unsure and unhappy.  Nothing comforts me, not the baby moving, but then when she doesn't move I am even worse.  God it is too much, it is all too much.

1 comment:

  1. This is a terrible difficult place to be in. All your fears and worries and anxieties are normal - whatever the eff normal is now - and you are not alone in them. I know this is the same point in your pregnancy where Grace died and I'm sure that your body is reeling from the memory and trauma and grief of being in the same place. Sending so much love and support to you right now.