Sunday, March 24, 2013

Deja Vu

I have been here before.  29 weeks pregnant preparing to have a beautiful baby girl come into my life fully and change EVERYTHING.  It still doesn't seem real, after all the years of infertility, that I could be this pregnant.  Sometimes I think that Grace dying was just a bad dream, see I am in my third trimester, my baby is not gone!  But it is not the same baby.  This deja vu is a real trip.  Then the crushing reality that my baby Grace is still gone, and the baby that kicks me and charms me is her little sister.  Then the horrific thought that something could still happen to this baby.  I could lose another little girl.  That my life would still not have a living, breathing, crying, pooping, nursing, cooing baby in it.  I try to think positive.  I try to remember the odds that this could happen again are small, that this baby is strong.  We were talking about interventions at childbirth class today.  I just kept telling myself that my birth will be fine and my baby won't need any of these things.  I hope and pray that is true.  I hope that I can make good decisions for her in the face of paralyzing fear that she could die.  Eleven more weeks to go, maybe twelve depending on when she is ready to be born.  I can do this, we can do this.  Bear's story will be different from Grace's.  They are sisters, but not the same.

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