It has been such a hard couple of days. I have been spiraling down into a depression and have not been there for my baby as I should be. I want things to be different. I want so badly to be a good mother to this baby, but I feel like I am failing already. My grief for Grace and the life I should have had with her, overwhelms everything. My therapist says that I need to put my grief away and focus on Bear. I need to visualize the wounded, broken me inside as a separate person and the capable, strong me as moving forward and caring for the broken me. I am trying, but it is so hard. The strong, capable me is tired of being present for so many people, my family, my clients, my co-workers, my pets... The broken me just wants to sleep and cry and wail for Grace and just stop the world from turning, she is sick and needs time to heal. How can I give her the time that she needs and still be a good mother to my new baby?
I am so grateful for Bear, I am so glad that she is here, but for the first time I wish that I could have not gotten pregnant again so quickly. I wish that I could have dealt more with my grief so that I could be stronger and better for this baby. At the time getting pregnant again seemed like the only thing that would stop the horrid emptiness from losing Grace. I thought that I would get the joyous feeling of that first pregnancy back again, the wonder and amazement, but with a happy ending instead of my baby dying. And for the first 7 months it was kind of like that, but with so much worry about her. Now everything is just such a mess. Of course I still love Bear, I want her to keep growing and be healthy, but I want to be happier about it. I don't want this dark cloud of grief hanging over me. I want the joy of Grace's pregnancy. I want to live in a world where babies don't die in the third trimester. I want the sick me to be healthy again.
I see the sick, broken me as the way I was when I was 18 or 19 years old. I was struggling at the time, emotionally. I had left college after the first semester, I was living at home again, in a relationship that needed to end and my dreams for the future were all on hold. I weighed only 95 lbs, which at 5'8" is not a great look. I had so much ahead of me, but it all seemed to be slipping away. I see that thin, depressed, broken version of myself as the part that grieves Grace and the life we should have had. She is taking over everything and I need her to let the rest of me care for and love Bear with the same whole, open heart I had for Grace.
Why was this so much easier last week? Will it be better next week? Can I be the mother that Bear deserves?