Monday, April 15, 2013

Bear's Baby Shower

It has been a crazy week of ups and downs and fear and joy and hope.  After 31 weeks and 5 days came and went with this pregnancy, the clouds broke a little and let some light in.  On day 32 Bear did not wake up when she normally does and I had a crap first morning kick count.  I was starting to completely freak out: I drank the damn cold juice, laid on my left side, rubbed and shook my belly and prayed to any god or spirit or deity that would listen.  I prayed to Grace.  I was getting ready to head to the hospital for that dreaded check.  Then finally Bear woke up and started her morning kicks and rolls, just an hour behind schedule.  I cried some more, made lunch, ate breakfast and went to work.

This weekend was Bear's baby shower, which I was kind of looking forward to.  We had started to get gifts in the mail last week and seeing all the items I picked out coming to life was making bringing a baby home seem more real.  Saturday was also the 1 year anniversary of Grace's EDD.  We did not commemorate it in any way.  We knew that was the date, but her month is February not some date that a calculation predicted she would be born on.  However the day of the shower I got very panicked and emotional.  This should have been a day that we got to have for Grace.  Many of the items on the registry I had originally picked out for Grace.  This was just another milestone we missed with our first born girl.  I missed her, I missed what should have been and I was so terrified that if Bear died now we would have so many more physical reminders of what we lost.

I  pulled myself together and got dressed, the DH and I headed out to our friend's house where the shower was and put on our happy faces.  So many friends, family and co-workers were there.  Bear got so many gifts (seriously I think this kid has more clothes than I do right now).  A co-worked handmade a beautiful baby blanket and booties for her.  Another made a cake in our nursery theme (down to fondant forest animals).  I was overwhelmed by the generosity of the people we know.  Bear is such a lucky girl, and so is her Mom.  I am lucky to have her, lucky to have such nice people in our lives, and if the universe is at all just hopefully I will be lucky enough to bring her into this world alive in 2 short months.  I am not healed from Grace, last week was a startling reminder of how much healing there is still to be done, but this week I feel stronger for my second daughter, who I love just as much as my first.


  1. This is lovely. I felt tingly all over as you described feeling Bear start moving about that morning...
    I miss that feeling so so much.

    Glad Bear has lots of presents waiting for her :) xxx

    1. Nomi, I hope that soon you will get to feel those kicks and rolls again. My online friends, may not sent presents, but the gift of love and understanding and support throughout this pregnancy are the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. Thank you.