It has been a crazy week of ups and downs and fear and joy and hope. After 31 weeks and 5 days came and went with this pregnancy, the clouds broke a little and let some light in. On day 32 Bear did not wake up when she normally does and I had a crap first morning kick count. I was starting to completely freak out: I drank the damn cold juice, laid on my left side, rubbed and shook my belly and prayed to any god or spirit or deity that would listen. I prayed to Grace. I was getting ready to head to the hospital for that dreaded check. Then finally Bear woke up and started her morning kicks and rolls, just an hour behind schedule. I cried some more, made lunch, ate breakfast and went to work.
This weekend was Bear's baby shower, which I was kind of looking forward to. We had started to get gifts in the mail last week and seeing all the items I picked out coming to life was making bringing a baby home seem more real. Saturday was also the 1 year anniversary of Grace's EDD. We did not commemorate it in any way. We knew that was the date, but her month is February not some date that a calculation predicted she would be born on. However the day of the shower I got very panicked and emotional. This should have been a day that we got to have for Grace. Many of the items on the registry I had originally picked out for Grace. This was just another milestone we missed with our first born girl. I missed her, I missed what should have been and I was so terrified that if Bear died now we would have so many more physical reminders of what we lost.
I pulled myself together and got dressed, the DH and I headed out to our friend's house where the shower was and put on our happy faces. So many friends, family and co-workers were there. Bear got so many gifts (seriously I think this kid has more clothes than I do right now). A co-worked handmade a beautiful baby blanket and booties for her. Another made a cake in our nursery theme (down to fondant forest animals). I was overwhelmed by the generosity of the people we know. Bear is such a lucky girl, and so is her Mom. I am lucky to have her, lucky to have such nice people in our lives, and if the universe is at all just hopefully I will be lucky enough to bring her into this world alive in 2 short months. I am not healed from Grace, last week was a startling reminder of how much healing there is still to be done, but this week I feel stronger for my second daughter, who I love just as much as my first.