Friday, July 26, 2013
Degrees of Loss
Losing your child is hell and you feel like you are the only person in the world whose heart has broken like that. Then you meet others in the baby loss and child loss community and you hear of other hells that seem just as bad or even worse than what you have lived through and you start to measure degrees of loss. At first I was jealous of those parents who got to see their child breathe and live only to have them die later. They got to hold their living baby and whisper sweet words to them, I only got to hold my daughters' body. Then the parents who had their babies for weeks or even months before they died, I was so envious of the time they got to spend. Was their loss less than mine because they got to have those amazing minutes, days, weeks or months? At the time it felt that way, but now having Rosabella for not just minutes or days, but 9 weeks I cannot imagine the hell of losing her. A new perspective on loss has reached me, having those memories does not make it easier, it makes in harder. Rosabella has brought me so much understanding about being human, just like Grace taught me how deeply you can love another person, even before they are born, even before they have taken a breath, even if they don't. What I know now is that losing your child whenever, however is hell, there are no degrees of loss it is all hell, different hells, but hell all the same. We have all lost our babies and no matter how long we got to know them for they are still gone. I wish kind thoughts to all those mamas I was jealous of before, I just did not know and I am sorry.