Monday, June 3, 2013

Her Perfect Skin

I have been having a lot of emotional breakdowns recently.  These first 11 days with Rosabella have been a roller coaster of emotions.  Joy, wonder, amazement, but also bone chilling fear, anxiety, inadequacy, failure and sorrow.  When I look at Rosabella she looks so much like Grace it stops my heart.  Holding her reminds me of the weight of Grace in my arms.  Sometimes when I look at Rosabella when she is sleeping she looks dead like her sister.  The difference is her skin.  Rosabella's skin is smooth and perfect and pink, with no tears or wounds.  Grace's was blue and bruised and torn.  The pictures that I share of her have been photo shopped to hide these imperfections, the signs that her sweet body was breaking down inside me while waiting to be born.  I have cried over those wounds, those signs that she was gone, that she had been hurt.  My perfect sweet Rosabella, and my darling Grace with her imperfect body and perfect soul.  How I wish I could have both my girls in my arms tonight and every night.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so there with you on all of that.
    The joy, the sorrow, the fear, and the flashbacks when Sam is sleeping looking like his dead brother.
    The difference is in the skin tone, the perfect unmacerated skin and rosy lips. But in the shadows of night, the light tricks me and Sam's skin looks dark, my heart hammers in memory and fear. So overwhelming.
    Other parents of all living babies try to soothe me by saying that they too experienced anxiety and fear that their babies had stopped breathing.
    But only we who have actually held our cold and bruised babies know the true terror, the reality, and relive it when looking at their siblings.
    I wish we had all our babies in our arms, pink and warm. x