Monday, May 20, 2013


I am getting the feeling that these last few weeks of Bear's pregnancy are going to be really hard.  I feel like I am on the edge of a break down all the time.  Everything makes me want to rage or cry or just be unhappy.  Our friends are pissing me off, my FIL is pissing me off, my closet is pissing me off.  I want to go into seclusion until she is home and safe and we are all doing well.

I have been fussing around the house trying to make everything perfect for her, like if everything is perfect then she will live and get to come home with us.  But then that brings on strife with my husband.  All the accommodations that need to be made seem to be on me.  I lost 1/4 of my side of the closet for a file cabinet that was in Bear's room, but obviously could not stay there.  He wants to put tons of his stuff in there, but it takes up my side of the closet.  He also has complete use of the closet in the guest bedroom, so it is not like he is wanting for storage space.  I asked him to get rid of some things to make room and it is like I am asking him to cut off a limb.  So today I am going through stuff and getting rid of a ton of things, some mine, some his to just feel free of these possessions.  They hold you down and I don't want to be held down by anything.

I also just miss Grace so much.  I see pictures of her and I just cry and want her here in my arms so badly.  The grief mixed with the overwhelming fear that it could happen again are just wearing me down.


  1. Oh love, I'm so sorry these last few weeks are tough...I know the difficulty of throwing stuff out - we are mid-packing for our move, and have been chucking out loads of stuff. Nearly all of it is my husbands as I moved into his space (several years ago now!) but it's been majorly stressing him out.

    I'm sending you and Bear so much love, and also always to little Grace


  2. your post sounds so familiar, and really takes me back to the last few weeks of being pregnant with Livia. It is so stressful and anxious. Do whatever you need to do, hibernating included. thinking of you!

  3. The last weeks of my pregnancy with M were so so hard. Take good care of yourself. Sending a big hug your way.