Deja Vu

I have been here before.  29 weeks pregnant preparing to have a beautiful baby girl come into my life fully and change EVERYTHING.  It still doesn't seem real, after all the years of infertility, that I could be this pregnant.  Sometimes I think that Grace dying was just a bad dream, see I am in my third trimester, my baby is not gone!  But it is not the same baby.  This deja vu is a real trip.  Then the crushing reality that my baby Grace is still gone, and the baby that kicks me and charms me is her little sister.  Then the horrific thought that something could still happen to this baby.  I could lose another little girl.  That my life would still not have a living, breathing, crying, pooping, nursing, cooing baby in it.  I try to think positive.  I try to remember the odds that this could happen again are small, that this baby is strong.  We were talking about interventions at childbirth class today.  I just kept telling myself that my birth will be fine and my baby won't need any of these things.  I hope and pray that is true.  I hope that I can make good decisions for her in the face of paralyzing fear that she could die.  Eleven more weeks to go, maybe twelve depending on when she is ready to be born.  I can do this, we can do this.  Bear's story will be different from Grace's.  They are sisters, but not the same.

Escape from the NSTs

We had our monthly OB appointment today.  It was good, despite all my worry my blood pressure was normal and my swollen feet were just normal pregnancy stuff.  We talked about whether to pursue NSTs or not.  I was reluctant to have them, but wanted to know that if anything happened to Bear I had done all I could to save her.  The specialist said that they were highly unlikely to find a cord accident, so even if we had them with Grace we would not have been able to save her.  I finally decided last week that I would have them done and tried to schedule them with the perinatologist, but I did not have the right kind of referral (damn referrals and high risk pregnancy clinics!).  My OB said that there were several ways to measure fetal well being and suggested that we just start to some in for weekly appointments and U/S with him starting at 31 weeks, they could measure Bear's heart rate, amount of amniotic fluid etc and if anything looked off we are literally down the street from the hospital and the perinatology clinic.  This sounds like a good compromise to me, I get to be at the office I know, where the staff knows me and Bear is getting monitoring that is just as likely (perhaps even more so) to find any issues.  No more than 13 weeks to go!

Anxiety creeping into my daily life

I officially entered the third trimester Friday and the anxiety about this baby dying just jumped into the forefront of my world.  I do kick counts obsessively.  I have started some hypnobabies affirmations trying to deal with the anxiety.  I am also just trying to take everything one moment at a time.

As a fun side note, my ankles and feet have started to swell like crazy, of course I am freaking out that I could have pre-eclampsia and that this could be bad for the baby.  I see my OB tomorrow and will find out if my blood pressure is out of whack or not.  I have ordered some graduated compression socks and stockings to help with the swelling if it turns out to be just the normal pregnancy swelling.  I am trying to be proactive about everything, but the fear is there always in the background.

We pray to Grace to help bring Baby Bear to this world safely.  I wish so much that I could have brought her home safely too.  My baby girls... will I get to keep either?  Why couldn't I have both?

Baby clothes

I spent the day sorting through used baby clothes that we were given for Grace, outfits purchased for her and clothes purchased for Bear.  I realized I have no idea what I have, what I need or how to actually take care of a baby.  I am freaking out a little bit.  I have thirty 0-3 month old onsies, but no pajamas and almost no clothes in any other size.  I then spent a few hours adding items to our registries to hopefully make sure that she won't have to wear a diaper only once she weighs more than 12 lbs.  All this and part of me thinks that she will not get to come home like Grace.  My heart would die if that happened.

Just a quick post

Well we turned off cable last week.  It has been an adjustment in the way we watch TV, but I have to say that generally means that we are watching less of it and getting more done.  I am still working on other ways to save money and prepare for the 3 months this summer with no income, but hopefully a beautiful baby to take care of instead.  Everything will be worth it, as long as she comes home with us.

Here is one of the 3-D Ultrasound pictures I mentioned in my last post.

Doesn't she look like she is laughing?