Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Why is returning to my old life so hard?

I have been wrapped in this cocoon world of grief the past 2 1/2 weeks.  The real world of responsibilities and interacting with people that don't know my life has been broken into a million pieces is now staring me in the face.

I care for my 86 year old Grandmother, she has Alzheimer's and lives in an Assisted Living facility near my home, but I am responsible for her.  I pay her bills, take her to appointments, buy her clothes, worry about her.  I have been doing these things for 4 years now.  It is a lot of work.  It is a lot of stress.  Especially now that the Alzheimer's is stealing more and more of her away from me.  Grandma was in the hospital earlier this month.  She became combative and AL could not deal with her, I had her sent to the ER and she was admitted.  She had two infections (bladder and C diff), both which can worsen Alzheimer's symptoms.  Shortly after her going to the hospital I became really ill, vomiting and diarrhea.  My husband and I were terrified that something could happen to Grace, I was tested for C diff, but my culture came back negative, it was just the stomach flu.  I vowed that I would let my husband help more with my Grandmother and be easier on myself.  I could not afford to get sick, especially if it would hurt the baby.  Then 2 weeks later Grace dies, of nothing that I could have prevented, of nothing to do with C diff or the stupid stomach flu.

Grandma has been in skilled nursing for 3 weeks and was discharged today back to AL.  I am still patient with her (she asks the same questions over and over).  I still love her, but being around her makes me miss my baby so much.  Grace made all the hard things in my life so much easier to deal with.  No matter how bad things got at work, with Grandma's health, with my father in law, we had Grace.  No matter what we had this precious baby and true joy, and could overcome anything.  Now that blanket of happiness, that cushion against the harsh realities of life is gone and I feel so alone.

I am worried where ever I go that people will notice that I am no longer pregnant, I am back at my pre-pregnancy weight again, in regular clothes so no reason that I would still look pregnant.  I worry they will think that I had Grace and she is alive and well at home, then I will have to tell them that she died and not completely fall apart at Assisted living or the grocery store, etc.

I want my life to change, I want to have a screaming baby keeping me up at night and dirty diapers and chapped nipples.  I cannot go back to the way things were before.  I don't fit inside my old life any more, and trying to hurts.

1 comment:

  1. The first times you have to tell someone that your baby is not alive are the worst. I cried every single time. It got softer though, and I became able to talk about her more and tell people that our girl didn't make it. She died. It's still hard but I can do it without crying, most of the time. One thing I learned though, is to not bother trying to keep it together...let the tears wash down your face. They are healing and cleansing.