Sunday, February 26, 2012

My baby's 2 week birthday

Today is my baby Grace's 2 week birthday... or it should be, but she is not with us.  She died in my womb at 32 weeks gestation of a true knot in her umbilical cord.

 I dreamed of having a baby for so long.  My husband and I battled with infertility and all the testing and treatments that take all the joy and happiness out of baby making for 2 years.  Then a magical vacation and we are pregnant, no injections, no follicular ultrasounds, no clomid or femara, just our love for each other.  My pregnancy was perfect, just some nausea in the first trimester.  I was healthy and you were growing well.  I think I may have been the happiest pregnant person alive.  I remember thinking that even though I had always just wanted one child, that we may have to do this again just because being pregnant was so amazing and I felt so alive and connected to this baby I carried.

It took 4 ultrasounds to find out for certain that you were a girl.  Again, another dream fulfilled.  Although I would have loved a boy, I had always dreamed of having a little girl.  We thought about names and made plans for future holidays, how we would raise you... but mostly we talked about how happy we were that you were joining our family.

Now you are gone and my body is healing, but my heart is still in a million pieces.  No one talks about stillbirth, like most of the stories I have read we thought like other babyloss parents that once we were past the first trimester we were safe, and then once we were in the third trimester it was completely safe.  We have learned that life is so fragile and happiness so fleeting.

I am so grateful for my wonderful husband.  Without him I think that I would be a puddle on the floor, my tears and grief melting my person into nothing.  Together we are holding on, sometimes barely, but holding on nonetheless.

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