Saturday, September 7, 2013

My First Week Back at Work

I survived my first week away from Rosabella.  Holding her and nursing her and being her Mom has been like a balm on my wounded heart.  My heart that misses Grace every day.  Going back to work this week and being away has been so hard.  After Grace died going back to work helped, it gave me a few hours of the day to be distracted from my grief, a routine to keep my depression manageable.  I had a group of co-workers that supported me and it was a good environment.  Now just a little over a year later only 2 employees are still there from when I was pregnant with Grace.  Most of them don't know about her.  My clients ask about my new daughter and some know that I have another daughter, but most don't know that she is dead.  "Two girls only 15 months apart!  You've got your hands full."  I smile and say "yes I do."  What can you say?  I love that there are people out there for whom Grace is alive and I don't want her to die for them too...  It also makes me so sad because it brings back in that moment that she should be here, walking and talking and making life complicated with her baby sister.  The goneness of her resonates.  I am lucky to have her sister, I know this, but God would I love that complicated life that some people think that I have.

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