I have been meaning to write this post for sometime, but going back to work full time, and trying to be a fully present mama to Rosabella and mourn my beautiful Grace just exhausts me. I have heard so many stories of baby loss in the last few weeks. Did you know that Keanu Reeves lost a baby girl 2 years ago with his then girlfriend? I had no idea. I heard about a graduate school class mate of a co-worker whose baby died 23 hours after he was born. Another woman had a miscarriage from an ectopic pregnancy, who then had her fallopian tube burst and during emergency surgery to remove her tube the surgeon nicked her uterine artery and could not stop the bleeding. She was in a coma for days before going back to surgery and then had severe blood clots in her legs and is now on dialysis since her kidneys are failing. Now people tell me these stories since I am the woman who lost a baby and I know what to say or do to help. Oddly I do know what to say and what to do. I am experienced and wise in the ways of living through the nightmare of losing your child. I am knowing of infertility. I inhabit that uncomfortable space of grief, since I have carried my own since Feb 10, 2012 the day my daughter died.
I had a dream last night that Rosabella had died, she was in her car seat at work and she was gone and a co-worker drove me home without her and I told him that we needed to go back because I could not sleep without her. I woke in a cold sweat with my very living breathing baby at my side. One of my babies is safe.
I ordered another picture for Grace from the Seashore of Remembrance. I needed to connect with her again. I wish that I could do more, I just don't know what more is.