Tuesday, February 19, 2013


1 year and 1 week says the ticker on the side of this blog, but honestly it feels like yesterday.  My emotions have been so raw lately.  Loving Bear, worrying about her, worrying about losing her, missing Grace so, so much.  Dreaming about a future that may be stolen from me.  Preparing to grieve my Grandmother, who is not eating well and steadily losing weight, while trying to cherish what may be my last few months with her.  Tears fall easily.  Anger surfaces quickly.  Trying so hard to be good and kind and gentle with myself.  It's hard, I am trying, but it is hard, hard work.

On an up note we have narrowed our list of possible baby names down to 21.  Hot debate continues and cuts are getting harder and harder to make.  I wish I found the DH's choices more appealing, and wish that he had more affection for mine.  We will continue to work at it and then, I hope, the right name will just feel right for both of us.

Still have not consulted with the perinatologist.  Had the level 2 ultrasound, but no consult.  Their office seems completely disorganized and discombobulated.  I see my regular OB this afternoon and will ask for an referral to a different MFM practice.  It is silly to have to fight so hard with the front office and lack of patient focus, so I refuse.  Plus Bear is wonderful and amazing and perfect, so this MFM thing is more of a formality (can you hear the hope in that statement?).  I also have my oh so fun GTT this afternoon, nothing like drinking that syrupy nasty drink and having the baby go WILD for 40 minutes.  I have some fears that it was during that test that Grace got her cord knotted since she was so crazy during it, but who knows.  I know that gestational diabetes would put both Bear and I at risk so I will do the test even through my fear.

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