Sunday, February 10, 2013

A year ago today

A year ago today my baby died.  I never had even thought about that happening.  We were well into the third trimester, I was planning for her coming home, reading baby care books, thinking about my up coming baby shower, worried about giving birth.

I have flash backs to that night at the hospital, the nurses not being able to find her heartbeat with the Doppler, the doctor ultrasounding my belly and seeing her still, perfect image.  I remember screaming and wailing and making inhuman noises.  I found out what it sounds like to have your heart break that night.

Tonight I find my heart reshaped in a new form, bruised and hurt, but no longer broken.  I miss Grace so much.  I wish that I could be more eloquent about my feelings, my girl deserves poetry, but all I have is the raw feeling that she should be here.  That it is so unfair that she is gone.  Her little sister growing inside me gives me hope for the future, but no matter how much I love her she can never and will never replace her sister.  She is her own special and amazing person and I am so glad that she has joined our family, but her big sister is still gone.

Mark wrote a letter to Grace today, about how losing her had changed his relationship with God and how he prays to her most often. He had poetry for her, he misses her so much too.  We are hurting so much still.


  1. HUGS! Thinking of you and sweet Grace, and new baby. These are rough days to get through.

  2. You don't need 'poetry'- I can feel your love for Grace and Bear, your bruised heart, the horror of the flashbacks of that night in the hospital, in every word here and I thank you for sharing them with us.
    Oh, those flashbacks, you could've been describing my night in the hospital our one year anniversary those flashbacks were so vivid, my heart goes out to you.

    I'm so sorry Grace isn't here with you. No, her little sister can never replace her or take away that raw feeling that Grace should be here.xx

  3. Remembering sweet little Grace with you. I'm so sorry she isn't here in your arms. A year. It seemed unfathomable at the beginning to me that there could ever be a year. Thinking of you and Mark and Bear and Bear's beautiful big sister.

  4. Sending you much love for Grace and Bear.

    It is chilling to remember that moment of finding out our babies had died...I feel I am you in that moment, you were me...