Another month goes by and she is still gone

I have thought about posting so many times.  I have had so many ideas for posts, things I wanted to share, to process about my grief, but life is so hectic and tiring.

I have these moments when my grief wells up and I am right there again thick in my loss.  They come at the strangest moments.  I was applying for new health insurance.  We are one of the 5% of families that could not keep their present health insurance because of the ACA.  It has been stressful to find a new policy that we could afford and could keep our current doctors, but I found one.  The application was so easy, but I only could list one of my babies.  Grace could not be included, she does not need health insurance.  To the world we are a family of three, not four.  I cried and cried while entering that information.

My Molly Bear came this week.  We were on the way to an infant CPR class and it was in a big box on the front porch.  It was so beautiful and heavy.  I forgot what 4.5 lbs feels like in your arms.  I snuggled it close to me and cried.  I so wished that it was Grace alive and warm and in my arms.  We used a new sitter this week for Rosabella.  Mark needed to show her how to change a cloth diaper, and all he could think of to use was the new Molly Bear.  He felt bad about it, but I loved that Grace got to act as a big sister to Rosabella.

We have started a bedtime routine with Rosabella and it includes a bath every night.  We have started by using products that were given to Rosabella, but now that we are running out of those I have started to those that Mark bought for Grace.  There was a sale on baby bath when I was pregnant and he had no idea how much a baby would use so he bought 12 bottles of Lavender and 2 of baby shampoo and 2 bottles of baby lotion.  They were all lined up under the sink in the bathroom, waiting.  My Mom found them when looking for shampoo when she was at my house while we were in the hospital having Grace.  It made her cry since we were so ready, over ready for this little baby and she was not coming home with us.  Now I am using them and I am so worried that I should save them since they are Grace's and she doesn't have that many things.  But how silly to have a dozen baby bath products collecting dust under the sink, it won't bring her back.  Nothing will.

My second holiday season without her looms, it does seem easier than last year, but I still don't want to be shopping for a second memorial ornament for the tree, I want a toddler running around getting into everything and being jealous of her baby sister.

I know that this post is disjointed, but that is how I feel lately.  Too much to do, not enough time, but I wanted to share Grace and my grief again.  I needed to.  I hope that I don't take another month to post again.  Although even when I am not writing here she is in my heart and my thoughts always.