I'll See You in the Morning

This book was given to me at Rosabella's baby shower.  I had never heard of it before.  I read it to her for the first time last week and I just started crying.  It was what I wanted to say to Grace, what I want to say to her now.  That I was right nearby and I would be with her again.  Here are the words I want to say

I'll see you in the morning.  For now it's time to sleep.
I will stay and watch a while till you are counting sheep.

Don't be afraid of darkness, don't be afraid my sweet.
The night is just a blanket that helps the Earth to sleep.

Creatures great and creatures small will all be sleeping soon.
Under the same blanket, under the same moon.

So close your eyes and go to sleep, by the light of the moon above.
I'll see you in the morning in the light of the sun my love.

Dream your dreams of moonbeams.  Let the night become your friend.
The twinkling stars will keep you safe till morning comes again.

I'll be here if you need me.  I'm only steps away.
So close your eyes and go to sleep and dream of a brand new day.

Good night.
Sleep tight.
I'll see you in the morning.

I'll see you again someday baby, I'm only steps away.

Why I still read others stories of baby loss

I have a support website that I have been going to since 2 weeks after Grace died.  I go there every day.  I read the stories of other mamas who have lost their babies and I cry.  Sometimes I write in to support them, let them know it does get better than those excruciating early days.  Say their babies names and let them know that they are not forgotten.  It is taxing, but cathartic.  I go so that through sharing in these women's grief I can connect to my grief and in some way connect to Grace.  I also hope that in some small way I can help those mamas new to this crappy journey, so that they know they have an army of supporters and that they are anything but alone.  Grace feels so far away sometimes, but those few minutes a day that I read on that website we are close again.  Baby Grace I miss you and love you every day.

New Leaf... New Life... New Blog

I started a new blog last week.  One just for Rosabella.  It is about her journey and life and being a mom to an infant.  It is more of an open letter to her.  I talk about Grace, but she is not the focus.  I realized that I was using this blog for too many things.  It was about my grief, and loss, my anxiety and worry during Rosabella's pregnancy and my trials as a new Mom, but now I found that I was tempted to write more about Rosabella and I felt like it did not belong here.  This blog is called Shattered Dreams and honestly my rainbow baby needs her own place and Grace needs to be honored here.  I also worried that some of my readers could be hurt by all the discussion of Rosabella since my blog can mostly be found on baby loss sites.  So Rosabella has her own space, and Grace has her own space.  It means that I may not post here quite as often, but I still grieve my first born and I still need a place to talk about those feelings.

Grace's 18 month birthday

Today my darling first born would have been 18 months old.  She would be talking, admittedly nothing we would likely understand, walking, we might even be starting potty training.  She would be weaned, eating all solid foods.  So many firsts, so many things we missed out on with her.  We miss her so much, every day.  We watch her beautiful sister grow and thrive and although I would not trade a minute of that for anything it does highlight just what we have lost with Grace.

My beautiful first born, I think of you daily and wish you were here to love on your baby sister.  I hope so much that we will be together again some day, some how, some where.

Breastfeeding Week

As you know I have had my issues with breastfeeding, but now Rosabella and I are cruising.  We nurse in public, we nurse in bed, we can latch at a moments notice :)  There is little discomfort ever and I am so glad that I stuck with it, but I also have so much respect in my heart for the moms that could not and used formula.  Even with support it is hard and for all those who nursed just a few weeks hold your heads up.

I have also been thinking back to what it was like when my milk came in for Grace.  The aching breasts, the torture of taking a shower, wearing two sports bras night and day to encourage my supply to dry up.  The emotional pain of wanting so badly to have my baby back, the uselessness of my lactating breasts.  So that is present in my mind this week as well.  All the mamas who wanted to breastfeed, but were not able to since their babies were gone you are also in my heart.