It has been too long

My poor neglected blog.  I guess after a few years although the grief and the loss and the ache are still there it is hard to find something new to say about it.  I am pregnant again, 17 almost 18 weeks.  Things were going well, but I started to have terrible anxiety about 10 days ago.  My poor DH was in tears this morning because I was freaking out about not being able to feel the baby move.  The idea of losing another child is paralyzing, but here I am.  I love this new baby so fiercely, but I know that all the love in the world cannot keep him/her alive.  I think that I may be needing this space again and hopefully be writing more.