Complicated Grief

I have not taken the time to write about Grace in way too long.  I think of her daily, I talk about her all the time, but I don't honor her in this space as often as I should.  We are coming up on her second birthday and the longing for my first born is heavy.  I found my husband sobbing in his art studio in front of a little shrine he has made for her.  The missing her and wanting her never changes.  Maybe that is why I find it hard to write now.  I just want to write the same thing over and over again.  I have no new stories about her, no new pictures.  Just the same grief and loss and sadness.

We had a visit from my brother in law this last weekend.  He is not my favorite person, he has a volatile personality and I suspect that he is an alcoholic.  Rosabella and I were left alone with him Sunday afternoon (my DH and his Dad had Opera tickets).  I was dreading it, but he was as pleasant as he has ever been (although he drank so much vodka that midway through dinner he ran to the back yard to vomit).  I told him that I wished his Mom had gotten to meet Rosabella since she would have been tickled to have a Granddaughter.  However I was grateful that she died before Grace, since I think that Grace dying would have killed her.  He then made a off hand remark about how I was having complicated grief for Grace.  He is a psychiatrist (specializing in addiction medicine ironically) so I guess that he has some type of training in grief, but I was highly offended to say the least.  We never talk to him and I never mention Grace to him, but she is included in our Christmas letter and her name is on our Christmas cards, she is a member of our family.  I am not going to exclude my baby because it makes other people uncomfortable.  I am sorry that my grief is not gone, that I still think about my precious first born daughter and ache for her.  I worry that he will see a baby loss mom someday (50% of his patients are general psych) and he will screw with her head and make her think that there is something wrong with remembering her baby.  I worry that other MDs are saying similar things to their BLM patients.  I know that there is nothing wrong with me or my grief or my husband's grief.  I know that Grace's name will always be on our Christmas cards and there will always be a section of our Christmas letter dedicated to her.  She will always be our baby and we will always miss her.  It isn't that complicated.

Another Christmas without her

I cannot lie, this Christmas is easier than last.  Baby Bear is here and alive and wonderful and she keeps me so busy that I am more distracted from the intense missing if Grace.  However the saddness creeps up and bubbles over in the quiet times, early in the morning, nap time and late at night.  When I should have an almost 2 year old up and talking and wanting to do STUFF not rest like her baby sister.  It still boggles my mind that time keeps passing, those few hours with Grace are so imprinted on my mind it feels like they were yesterday.

Dear sweet baby Grace  I miss you so much, I wish you were here with us so I could hug you and kiss you and not just love you from afar.  I love you with all that I am, all that I have and all I could be.  You are my sun and moon and loving you and knowing you make me a better person.

Our Family Christmas 2013

Here we are, with our two girls.  Another Holiday season, how I wish she was here in my arms and not just her bear...

Another month goes by and she is still gone

I have thought about posting so many times.  I have had so many ideas for posts, things I wanted to share, to process about my grief, but life is so hectic and tiring.

I have these moments when my grief wells up and I am right there again thick in my loss.  They come at the strangest moments.  I was applying for new health insurance.  We are one of the 5% of families that could not keep their present health insurance because of the ACA.  It has been stressful to find a new policy that we could afford and could keep our current doctors, but I found one.  The application was so easy, but I only could list one of my babies.  Grace could not be included, she does not need health insurance.  To the world we are a family of three, not four.  I cried and cried while entering that information.

My Molly Bear came this week.  We were on the way to an infant CPR class and it was in a big box on the front porch.  It was so beautiful and heavy.  I forgot what 4.5 lbs feels like in your arms.  I snuggled it close to me and cried.  I so wished that it was Grace alive and warm and in my arms.  We used a new sitter this week for Rosabella.  Mark needed to show her how to change a cloth diaper, and all he could think of to use was the new Molly Bear.  He felt bad about it, but I loved that Grace got to act as a big sister to Rosabella.

We have started a bedtime routine with Rosabella and it includes a bath every night.  We have started by using products that were given to Rosabella, but now that we are running out of those I have started to those that Mark bought for Grace.  There was a sale on baby bath when I was pregnant and he had no idea how much a baby would use so he bought 12 bottles of Lavender and 2 of baby shampoo and 2 bottles of baby lotion.  They were all lined up under the sink in the bathroom, waiting.  My Mom found them when looking for shampoo when she was at my house while we were in the hospital having Grace.  It made her cry since we were so ready, over ready for this little baby and she was not coming home with us.  Now I am using them and I am so worried that I should save them since they are Grace's and she doesn't have that many things.  But how silly to have a dozen baby bath products collecting dust under the sink, it won't bring her back.  Nothing will.

My second holiday season without her looms, it does seem easier than last year, but I still don't want to be shopping for a second memorial ornament for the tree, I want a toddler running around getting into everything and being jealous of her baby sister.

I know that this post is disjointed, but that is how I feel lately.  Too much to do, not enough time, but I wanted to share Grace and my grief again.  I needed to.  I hope that I don't take another month to post again.  Although even when I am not writing here she is in my heart and my thoughts always.

I'll be you Mother forever

It has been a hard few days, maybe something about it being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, I have been crying a lot and just missing Grace so badly.  She feels far way and right here all at the same time.  My DH said that Grace did not like him doing something and I thought he misspoke and meant Rosabella, but he said "No Grace does not like this, she holds me to a higher standard."  I bought a frame at a discount store for a picture of Rosabella and then felt so bad because I did not buy one for Grace.  I went back later to look for one for her, but they did not have any more.  I wish that I had gotten to be the mother to Grace than I am for Rosabella.  I wish that I did not lose all those little moments.  I wrote this last week when the missing her and the grieving her just overwhelmed me.

I'll be your Mother forever
Not just for the day I held you and kissed you and wished that you could stay

I cannot rock you to sleep, or kiss away your tears
You sleep soundlessly without me.
And there is no pain or sadness to cause tears where you are.

My heart aches for all that we lost
The million gentle moments we should have shared
The ones stolen from us, by that cruel twist

But the most important thing could not be taken...
Our love for each other.

Know this baby, know this deep and true
I'll be your Mother forever

Luminous Grace

You have felt so far away recently.  The time with your sister is blurring the edges of my memories of you.  I need to re-connect with you.  I need to honor you.  I love you so much, my heart expands with the emotion with every beat.  I will try harder.  I will do better.

Thank You Carly Marie for the beautiful image.

Baby Loss all around

I have been meaning to write this post for sometime, but going back to work full time, and trying to be a fully present mama to Rosabella and mourn my beautiful Grace just exhausts me.  I have heard so many stories of baby loss in the last few weeks.  Did you know that Keanu Reeves lost a baby girl 2 years ago with his then girlfriend?  I had no idea.  I heard about a graduate school class mate of a co-worker whose baby died 23 hours after he was born.  Another woman had a miscarriage from an ectopic pregnancy, who then had her fallopian tube burst and during emergency surgery to remove her tube the surgeon nicked her uterine artery and could not stop the bleeding.  She was in a coma for days before going back to surgery and then had severe blood clots in her legs and is now on dialysis since her kidneys are failing.  Now people tell me these stories since I am the woman who lost a baby and I know what to say or do to help.  Oddly I do know what to say and what to do.  I am experienced and wise in the ways of living through the nightmare of losing your child.  I am knowing of infertility.  I inhabit that uncomfortable space of grief, since I have carried my own since Feb 10, 2012 the day my daughter died.

I had a dream last night that Rosabella had died, she was in her car seat at work and she was gone and a co-worker drove me home without her and I told him that we needed to go back because I could not sleep without her.  I woke in a cold sweat with my very living breathing baby at my side.  One of my babies is safe.

I ordered another picture for Grace from the Seashore of Remembrance.   I needed to connect with her again.  I wish that I could do more, I just don't know what more is.