This last week has been a bitch. Father's Day just about broke my heart all over again. It was even worse than Mother's Day. My husband has wanted a child for so long. He turned 49 two days after Grace was born, and when I was pregnant I was so happy that I was able to give him a child before he turned 50. Now there is no chance of that happening.
Then my FIL was a complete asshat to Mark. The FIL's birthday was Father's Day, he is back in CA for the summer, so we sent 2 cards and a gift certificate to his favorite restaurant in Paso Robles. We tried multiple times Sunday to call him and wish him a happy b-day and Father's day. His phone was shut off, we could not even leave a voice mail. Then he calls Mark yesterday and yells at him that we did not fly out and see him. Nothing about how hard Father's Day must have been for us. Then he admitted that he called his cell carrier and had the phone set so we could not leave messages for him. Mark hung up on him he was so mad. I would spit on him if I was anywhere near him. How DARE he hurt Mark this way!
There have been issues with my Grandmother, she may be asked to leave her nursing home at any time due to her aggressive Alzheimer's behaviors. I am really frustrated since when I moved her to Memory Care I was told that they would be able to take care of her, now less than 2 months later she may have to leave. It sucks. I have been trying to generate a short list of other facilities to move her to, should that situation present itself.
Finally our TTC journey has been rocky lately. After trying so hard to be zen about this process and roll with the punches and enjoy living life I had a complete mental breakdown last week. I keep hoping that I will ovulate earlier in my cycle, since at present my luteal phase is so short it would be impossible for an embryo to implant. Last cycle it moved from cd19 to cd16 and I was optimistic that the acupuncture was helping. This cycle nothing until on cd18 my monitor read peak, but no thermal shift until today cd21. Ugh. At least I ovulated right?
So today we just went to the Desert Botanical Gardens and just walked and looked at the amazing plants. I got some nice pictures, we saw some great wildlife and just had a nice time. I am feeling better today, but it is frustrating since it is likely because my temperature shifted.
I just want Grace back. If I had her back I could do anything.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
4 months without my little girl
Just feeling really low the last few days. This anniversary snuck up on me. God I miss her so much.. tears spill over frequently.
I was meditating yesterday at yoga. I generally use that time to spend with Grace. Yesterday we were at the beach. She was just learning to walk and had on the cutest blue bathing suit and big white sun hat. The wind was blowing and she was laughing and the sun was sparkling on the water. We were so happy in my vision. I wanted so badly for it to be real. For her to be with me. Four months without her, it is like torture.
I was meditating yesterday at yoga. I generally use that time to spend with Grace. Yesterday we were at the beach. She was just learning to walk and had on the cutest blue bathing suit and big white sun hat. The wind was blowing and she was laughing and the sun was sparkling on the water. We were so happy in my vision. I wanted so badly for it to be real. For her to be with me. Four months without her, it is like torture.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
My Daughter is Missing
My Daughter is missing. Can you tell me where she is?
I felt her within me and then she was gone. Sometimes I still feel her. How can then that be if she is gone?
I wished for her for so long. She was so loved and so wanted and yet missing she is.
I cry for her, so many tears, so much pain, but the love that I felt for her from the moment I knew she was is the constant.
My Daughter is missing, but she is with me always as well.
I felt her within me and then she was gone. Sometimes I still feel her. How can then that be if she is gone?
I wished for her for so long. She was so loved and so wanted and yet missing she is.
I cry for her, so many tears, so much pain, but the love that I felt for her from the moment I knew she was is the constant.
My Daughter is missing, but she is with me always as well.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Starting a Name Gallery
I have been pretty introspective lately. Meditating on what losing Grace means for me. Trying to create a serene inner landscape to attract baby energy. Just going with the flow.
However sometimes I feel oddly compelled to buy things that I don't really need. Fortunately they tend to be inexpensive and these compulsions don't come all that often. I bought this box of tea this weekend, I was compelled to do so. I was shopping for Red raspberry leaf tea to help my fertility and saw this box in the clearance bin.
However sometimes I feel oddly compelled to buy things that I don't really need. Fortunately they tend to be inexpensive and these compulsions don't come all that often. I bought this box of tea this weekend, I was compelled to do so. I was shopping for Red raspberry leaf tea to help my fertility and saw this box in the clearance bin.
I picked it up and looked at the back for some reason and this is what I found.
So of course I bought it and the raspberry leaf tea. Then I started thinking about starting a name gallery for Grace. I will add a page here soon for that. If any readers out there have photos of her name please e-mail the jpegs to me at avarney1@cox.net.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Deep Thoughts: It's all about the ride
Does anyone remember the SNL skit from the nineties called Deep Thoughts? I am probably dating myself horribly by even mentioning this! I was in junior high and the first few years of high school when it was on. They would have this gentle music playing and a serene back ground and then a voice over with some idea that seemed profound at first and would reveal itself as ridiculous later. I found most of them completely hilarious.
Now I have been having many deep thoughts lately. About Grace. About life. About TTC. They seem very profound, but I reserve the right to find them completely ridiculous in a few months, or moments.
Not getting pregnant this cycle really hurt. I think that I was still under the idea that it would be easier to get pregnant now that I have had a child. That my body would have "learned" how to be pregnant and all my fertility issues would stay in the past. It dawned on me that I have spent the better part of the last 3 years thinking about my reproductive status. I have been depressed and unhappy and always looking to the future to be healed, instead of healing myself. Grace was the greatest adventure of my life, and I wish that she were still with me with every fiber of my being, but I need to see what were my motives for motherhood? I wanted to experience life again through a child. I wanted to heal the wounds and disappointments of my childhood, by giving my baby the "perfect" childhood. I wanted a little piece of immortality, by having someone who would remember me when I am gone.
I may not have another child. I hope for one and dream of one, but I may not have one. How can I heal myself and fulfill the motivations for motherhood without one? I have decided that I need to live life. Grace did not get to have a life outside of my womb. I need to make sure that I really LIVE to honor her loss. I need to not place the burden of my happiness on a baby, but instead have joy independent of a child.
It is not about the destination, it's all about the journey, the ride. It is all about the ride we call life and I am starting it now. No more waiting. No more excuses. I am doing it for Grace, and I am doing it for me.
See Deep Thoughts.
Now I have been having many deep thoughts lately. About Grace. About life. About TTC. They seem very profound, but I reserve the right to find them completely ridiculous in a few months, or moments.
Not getting pregnant this cycle really hurt. I think that I was still under the idea that it would be easier to get pregnant now that I have had a child. That my body would have "learned" how to be pregnant and all my fertility issues would stay in the past. It dawned on me that I have spent the better part of the last 3 years thinking about my reproductive status. I have been depressed and unhappy and always looking to the future to be healed, instead of healing myself. Grace was the greatest adventure of my life, and I wish that she were still with me with every fiber of my being, but I need to see what were my motives for motherhood? I wanted to experience life again through a child. I wanted to heal the wounds and disappointments of my childhood, by giving my baby the "perfect" childhood. I wanted a little piece of immortality, by having someone who would remember me when I am gone.
I may not have another child. I hope for one and dream of one, but I may not have one. How can I heal myself and fulfill the motivations for motherhood without one? I have decided that I need to live life. Grace did not get to have a life outside of my womb. I need to make sure that I really LIVE to honor her loss. I need to not place the burden of my happiness on a baby, but instead have joy independent of a child.
It is not about the destination, it's all about the journey, the ride. It is all about the ride we call life and I am starting it now. No more waiting. No more excuses. I am doing it for Grace, and I am doing it for me.
See Deep Thoughts.
Monday, May 28, 2012
A Crappy Start to the Day
My grief has for the most part leveled off. I carry it with me all the time, but it does not crush me as often as it used to. Our journey to conceive again is usually what sets me off and then of course I find that sadness is inextricably linked to Grace. For those of you familiar with BBT charting the following will make sense. I had a temp drop this morning, 0.4 degrees and I am either 8 dpo or 10 dpo. It was a crappy start to my day.
I spent the first 20 minutes telling myself my temp was still above the coverline and therefore not indicative of impending menstruation. Then a good 10 minutes wishing I had a medical professional to analyze my charts and magically tell me what I was doing wrong and why I was not pregnant. Then I just started crying. Why is it so hard for us to get pregnant? I have so much hope for every cycle and then it just gets crushed at the end. I feel like a loser. And I miss my baby girl SOOOOO much. If she were here there would be no pressure to get pregnant again. Yes, we would have liked a second child, but it would be a relaxed experience because we had our miracle.
We went to a Memorial day cookout yesterday at the house of some people from church. They don't know about Grace, they just think we don't have children. The kids at this church are older, teenagers and such, so at least I am not around toddlers and little babies, but still Grace should have been there. She should have been in my arms, people should have been oohing and aahing over her sweet babyness. She should be with us always, not just in spirit.
I spent the first 20 minutes telling myself my temp was still above the coverline and therefore not indicative of impending menstruation. Then a good 10 minutes wishing I had a medical professional to analyze my charts and magically tell me what I was doing wrong and why I was not pregnant. Then I just started crying. Why is it so hard for us to get pregnant? I have so much hope for every cycle and then it just gets crushed at the end. I feel like a loser. And I miss my baby girl SOOOOO much. If she were here there would be no pressure to get pregnant again. Yes, we would have liked a second child, but it would be a relaxed experience because we had our miracle.
We went to a Memorial day cookout yesterday at the house of some people from church. They don't know about Grace, they just think we don't have children. The kids at this church are older, teenagers and such, so at least I am not around toddlers and little babies, but still Grace should have been there. She should have been in my arms, people should have been oohing and aahing over her sweet babyness. She should be with us always, not just in spirit.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Cephalexin is really great stuff
I would just like to say that I feel so sorry for people who lived prior to the discovery of antibiotics. That must have really sucked. I decided this last night when peeing for the millionth time with a UTI. I was actually contemplating if I could sleep on the toilet since I had to get up as soon as I laid down. Now with just a few doses of Cephalexin in my system I am a new woman. Bathroom no more.
TTC after baby loss seriously messes with your head. You want a baby to have and hold so bad and yet you just want your lost baby back. You feel like you are betraying your lost baby by trying again, and yet that is what you do. And to do it you have to participate in the most intimate act two human beings can undertake. So any humor that you can find in the whole process you need to grab onto with both hands. My UTI is likely directly due to our recent efforts at baby making and for some reason I find that completely hilarious.
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| Cephalexin my new best friend |
TTC after baby loss seriously messes with your head. You want a baby to have and hold so bad and yet you just want your lost baby back. You feel like you are betraying your lost baby by trying again, and yet that is what you do. And to do it you have to participate in the most intimate act two human beings can undertake. So any humor that you can find in the whole process you need to grab onto with both hands. My UTI is likely directly due to our recent efforts at baby making and for some reason I find that completely hilarious.
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